Tidbits from the Queen of Chaos

5 Things Going Right

April 26, 2013 By AnnMarie

In my effort to be a more “glass half-full” person, I thought I would talk about the five things that are working well right now…making me happy.

1. The words, “Okay, Mommy.” I love that I have a child that when I tell them no to something, the answer is sometimes, “Okay, Mommy.” Sometimes there is crying before or a small struggle but if I stand my ground, it ends up with these words. I know those of you that have ever been in a checkout line that was filled with candy understand my relief when I hear these words.

I heard “Okay, Mommy,” after I said it was time to leave.

2. The book I am rewriting/adding to. I’m not sure how or why but I can’t seem to stop writing. My favorite part of writing this book that I don’t know I’ll ever do anything with is that the characters take on a life of their own. I can spend hours with my notebook and pen and be completely engrossed and I love that.

3. Emails from long-lost friends. There is nothing like opening your email and seeing the name of someone who you miss or that you haven’t talked to in a long time. If you are missing someone and questioning whether you should reach out, do it. It will make the person’s day.

4. New readers and new comments (and loyal readers). Those of you that blog, I know you get this. It feels amazing to have someone respond to your writing. It’s the equivalent of a stranger stopping you on the street to tell you your kids are well-behaved or ask you where you get your hair done. It is a feel-good moment. I just want you to know that I appreciate all that read and commenting lets me know you are there. So thank you.

5. The 17 Day Diet. I wrote a post about the struggle to lose weight. Click here if you’d like to read it. A few months ago, I was reading a success story from a very talented writer, Galit from These Little Waves. She was doing the 17 Day Diet and had lost quite a bit of weight. I decided to try it and I’m telling you, it works. I have lost 14lbs and feel so healthy and fit. It doesn’t feel like a diet. It was more of a tweak in the way I was eating. 17 minutes of exercise is completely doable over here and I actually look forward to it. You know the people who say happiness shouldn’t come from a number on the scale? Well, they might be right for some but for me…I see the number on the scale and it makes me happy. Is that right or healthy? I don’t know and right now, I don’t care. I’m too busy being happy.

So there you have it. This weekend is going to be packed with running around so I wanted to concentrate on what was making me happy. You know before the road rage, bad refs, kids wanting to be out and social and early morning games hit.

What about you? What’s making you happy?

Filed Under: Blogging, Friends, Happiness, Having Fun, Random Thoughts, Writing 25 Comments

When Life Gets in the Way

April 25, 2013 By AnnMarie

Life gets in the way of many things. Dreams…plans…friendships. I have been fortunate to have good friends at all stages in my life: elementary school, junior high, high school,college, work and neighbors. Some I keep touch with over Facebook, some still live close, some are still a part of my daily life and some have drifted away. I say drifted because nothing really happened. Well nothing except life. We went in different directions and the friendship wasn’t one that was sustained. It’s sad and my heart hurts for the times when we were close. I think about the many days and nights my childhood friends sat on my bed and dreamed of what our lives were going to be like. How we’d marry best friends so that we could live by each other and our kids could be best friends. Then college happened and we went in different directions. It happened gradually and then one day, I looked and they weren’t there anymore.

That’s just one example. Over the course of our lives, people come and go. One minute they are the most important thing in the world to you and the next, life took you both in different directions and though you are still friends, you are not the center of each other’s universe anymore. It hurts. I think the hardest part is realizing that who is in your life at the moment might not be in your life in the future. It’s hard to give your heart to people when you know that it might be for the moment and not forever. I’ve never been good at holding back so I give my heart to people pretty soon after I realize we are going to be friends. So when life happens and we drift apart, I grieve for the friendship that once was and get mad at myself for giving so freely again. But then I meet someone amazing again and I can’t help it. I don’t know if I am truly getting my point across so at this time I am going to direct you to one of my besties in the blog world: Kimberly from Reflections of Now. Her writing always hits me right in my soul and her last post hit so hard, I asked her if I could share it with my readers. If you have ever lost a friend, this one is a must read. Click here to read Nothing Left to Say.

The quote at the end is such a good one and one I am going to remember the next time I am missing one of my friends that has drifted away.

I cannot say enough good things about Kimberly. From her amazing design skills to her beautiful photography and her devotion to her four boys, she is beautiful through and through. She is a friend that made the jump from just talking on the blogs to emailing to texting. Next up has to be a girls’ getaway. She is as real as it gets in this blogging world and I am so blessed that she is in my life. Go check her out right now. You won’t be sorry.

Filed Under: Friends 9 Comments

Equal Partner or Not?

April 24, 2013 By AnnMarie

I need to start by saying that this is my issue. Not Leo’s. He has NEVER said any of this and when I bring it up, he assures me he doesn’t feel this way either. This is all me. I don’t know if I have discussed this before. I might have but since it has come up again, I am going to talk about it again.

I’ve worked since I was 11. It was babysitting but I got paid so it counts, right? Then I worked at a pizza place (for two days because they told me I’d only be taking orders and then they showed me how to make a pizza and I freaked and quit), then I worked at Osco in the cosmetics department. That lasted a summer and in that summer I saw my Nana tell off my boss because she called me a slut because my boyfriend would come up and visit me and then walk me home and I am pretty sure a lot of people got an accidental discount because I didn’t know how to work the cash register. I worked to pay for cheerleading and quit once school started. Then I worked at Movies to Go which was bought out by Blockbuster Video. Movies to Go was soooo much better as far as working went. Anyway, after that I worked in a bunch of daycares. I loved those jobs. That’s actually one of the moments that I look back and can’t believe I did what I did. I wanted to work at the daycare across the street forever. Over Christmas Break my freshman year, I went there and asked if I could volunteer. I did for two days and then the boss came to me and said, “Let’s get you on the payroll.” Boom! I was working my dream job (of course now that I have four kids of my own, “dream job” is all relative). I did that until I got my teaching job and then did that until I had Nico. Always worked.

I even take pride in the fact that I lived on my own for a year before I got married. I was fiercely independent and if I wanted something, I bought it. If I wanted to go somewhere, I went. It figures that I didn’t know I loved to travel until I really couldn’t.

I tell you all of this because I feel stunted. I no longer feel like if I want something I should/can have it. I can usually talk myself out of it because one of the kids needs something more or we need a new car or something needs fixing or I want to move. Something always comes first.

Whether it is the poker club, fishing trips (which in his defense don’t happen anymore but they used to), basketball leagues (again, very rare) or trips to Alaska, they all manage to happen. And these are just the big things.

It all boils down to this: he works hard and doing that stuff is like a reward for dedication and hard work. I work my ass off. The difference? Someone recognizes his hard work and pays him with real money instead of kisses and hugs. I get it. My work is rewarding but it’s also the reason that I can’t just pick up and leave for a weekend (or a week). When Leo does his stuff, there is no thought to who is going to take care of the kids. I’m here. All.the.time. There are no typed out pages of instructions of who needs to be where and who gets what. He just goes. Maybe he has to arrange rides for practices which I appreciate but it’s not the same.

So many things I want to do that I feel I can’t. I want to take a writing class. I want to go back to school. I want to go to a blogging conference. I want to go on a girls’ weekend. I want to find my way to bring in some income so that I can stop feeling this way. Ugh…and all of that sounds so selfish to me. There is a time for everything and maybe now is not the time for me to do these things but it seems so unfair.

I don’t have the freedom to decide I want to do something and put it on the calendar and just do it.

Part of it is my fault. I go to Leo with “ideas” and I’m guessing that is what he thinks they are. I need to go with a plan. When I do go to him, he never says no. He says, “Look into it and we’ll see if we can do it.” He’s not the problem. It’s me. It’s how I feel. Here’s the thing with that. I know myself and I know that if I go to the trouble of researching and planning something and then I can’t do it, I am going to be mad. Not just a little but the claws will come out and every single thing he has ever done for himself will come flying out and that is going to be a damaging fight. I’d rather not have one of those.

It bugs me. I want to be equal partners and I hate that I don’t think I’ll feel that way unless I am working and bringing money in.

What about you? Do you feel this way? Are you a SAHM and feel like an equal partner? What is your secret?

Filed Under: Pour Your Heart Out, Random Thoughts 36 Comments

Indiana

April 22, 2013 By AnnMarie

I am going to start by saying, “Leo, I am sorry that I wrote angry the other day. I still HATE the poker club but I appreciate that you drove us to Indiana.” See, several things happened for the weekend to have shaken down the way it did.

1. I am a big freaking baby.

2. We had a huge rainstorm that lasted a few days causing the surrounding towns to be flooded (our town was in a state of emergency but luckily, we were fine) and several roads to be shut down. All I had to see was a few highways shut down for me to go into a panic about getting stuck and the plan changed.

3. I am a big freaking baby.

Okay so maybe not several things but maybe 2 things. Nico and Belle went with friends of ours earlier and then Tommy, Gia and me went at 11:30 when Leo got home from poker (sadly, he did not come in first). We did not get into our hotel until 4:00am and had to be up at 7 for Nico’s game. Rather than give you a play-by-play, I’ll do an old school run down.

B is for basketball and a lot of it. I saw only two of Nico’s games but thanks to Leo and Nico saw many, many more games than that. You know what I like about watching kids I don’t know play basketball while occupying Gia and Belle? Nothing.

A is for all of the money we spent on concessions and fast food. I think the healthiest thing Gia ate all weekend was a Snickers (that is healthy because of the nuts, right?).

S is for swimming. I took the kids swimming while Leo went to watch more games. Belle lasted a whole ten minutes before she was done watching Gia and we spent the next 45 minutes fighting about how if she would just play with her for a little bit longer, she’ll want to get out and then Belle could do whatever she wanted. The last thing I wanted to do was get in the pool with a bunch of teenage kids.

K is for kicking and screaming which is what happened in our hotel room and the car the entire time (or when they were awake).

E is for eating. I think we set some kind of record for eating junk. I didn’t even go to dinner with the team because Gia was so crabby and Nico was not wanting her to go. He said he hates when she throws a fit and people stare at us. This makes me laugh and wish I had video of some of his fits that he threw at restaurants and how I felt the same way and like I had to, he needs to get over it.

T is for terrible refs. In all the years I have watched basketball games (from going with my dad to the games he coached, going with him when he scouted games, cheering in high school for it, watching the guy I dated play it, watching Leo play in several leagues, watching Nico and now Tommy, there have been a ton), the refs at this tournament were the worst. Just awful. On the first day, they didn’t call anything and it was a free for all. The second day, the game took twice as long because the whistle blew constantly and at one point, we had 10 fouls and the other team had 1. It was so unfairly reffed (is that a word?) that the boys couldn’t even play basketball. It was awful.

B is for being short. I cannot believe how short I am. When you attend a basketball tournament where teams come from all over and are 15, 16 and 17 years old, there are some TALL kids. I felt like how a mouse must feel in a crowd of giraffes. And Gia? She walked through a couple of players’ legs. If I was a mouse, she was an ant. It’s funny because I never feel short until I am around high school basketball players. What is up with that? I don’t remember the guys I went to high school with being that big. I mean there were some but not this many.

A is for angry. Put six people in a room that sleeps 3 and you get six angry people. Nico was so tired. It was partly our fault. I don’t think he slept well waiting for us to get there and then when he did finally fall asleep, we woke him up to get in because he double-bolted the room. For the record, I was a nervous wreck with them staying in the room alone until we got there and kept in touch by texting constantly. They were only alone from 11-4 but no one got any sleep. Our friends were right by them and did a good job of taking care of them. Belle and Tommy had to sleep in sleeping bags on the floor so you can imagine the moods they were in. Keeping a 3-year-old who hasn’t slept very much in a tight space for two days is a sure-fire way to get an angry kid. She kept saying, “I want to go downstairs” (we were on the first floor).

L is for Leo. He got us there safe and sound and didn’t complain at all when I wanted him to either come get me to go to Nico’s games or wanted him to take me back. I’m not sure what was up with his GPS but he kept going in the wrong direction. I wish I had a dime for each time I heard, “Hmmm…I’m going the wrong way” right before a swift U-turn. Again, if it was me, who knows where we would have ended up so I am not at all complaining. Oh, and each time we got to where we were going, he would say, “Hmmm…I think this was actually faster.” Every.Single.Time. (For the record, it was not faster.)

L is for lucky. Nico has a great team with great families. I enjoyed watching the games so much because of the people I was sitting with. I never advocate getting kicked out of a game but the one game I went to where it was so heavily one-sided was only tolerable because of the other parents. It helps that some of the parents are as loud as Leo so I am not the only wife cringing. I think Nico is very lucky to have this experience with these coaches and these boys. I feel very lucky that we all got to see him play in this tournament.

I almost made this word “Basketbally” so I could have a Y is for yelling because though at Disney, I am a “yes parent”, in Indiana, I am a “no parent” which led to a lot of yelling.

It’s always nice to get away but next time, I want a room with two full beds and a fridge. And next time, Nico is going to have to get over Gia throwing a fit because I am going out to eat. And I am going to have the biggest margarita the restaurant serves because vacationing for tournaments warrants a stiff drink from time to time.

Filed Under: basketball, Family, Vacation 19 Comments

Hi, My Name is Mrs. Crabbypants

April 17, 2013 By AnnMarie

Here we go again. Shockingly, I am crabby. Call this a rant. Call this blogging angry. Call it “glass half-empty”. Whatever.

Yes, I woke up yesterday and today and thanked God that I am alive and that my family and friends are all safe and sound but what in the Hell is wrong with the world we live in?? It’s like we finally crawl out of the hole of thinking this world is shit from the last tragedy only to go reeling again from a new one. My heart is heavy and prayers continue to be said for the people who were affected by the bombs in Boston.

If we let the fear of what is happening in the world stop us from living, then the evil of the world wins. I get that but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. Scared of the world that I brought kids into. Scared and saddened that each time something like this happens, a little bit of their innocence is taken. First it was that they couldn’t play outside without the threat of someone kidnapping them. Then it was school shootings, then it was movie theater shootings, then more school shootings, now it is places where there are thousands of people gathered. Trying to protect our kids in today’s world is a daunting task. With my kids, I am doing what most are and that is focusing on the good in the world. The people who ran toward the blasts to help those hurt, the police and fireman and paramedics that responded without any hesitation for their own safety. There is still good in the world, I know but inside, my heart is breaking and my mind is screaming, “What is wrong with people??”

I know my problems are small but they are still my problems and they are making me crabby.

Nico is taking driver’s ed. He had his first class and I sat there thinking, I AM NOT READY FOR THIS! I don’t even know how we are going to fit driving time in our schedule. And knowing how Nico is with everything else, he is going to be relentless about wanting to drive and originally I thought, Who cares? Leo will do it anyway. But my dear, oldest son informed me that he wants to only go with me. He said he feels more comfortable with me. Huh. So with everything else, I am the mean parent but with driving, I am the nice parent? How in the world did I screw myself over with that one? See, I don’t want to deal with it. I would just like him to learn with Excel, have Leo take him out and poof…he’s a driver with a license that can cart his and his siblings’ rear ends where they want to go. No such luck and that makes me crabby.

I am one unemptied Target bag away from being on my way to a Hoarders episode. The laundry is piled so high, Gia keeps using it as her inside rock climbing wall. My four children do NOT put anything away and their clothes are all over the house as if the entire house is their own personal closet and then they wonder why I go ballistic when they ask me where something is. Open your eyes and walk the house, Kids, and you might find what you are looking for. Baseball season has hit so there are no meals being made, only fast food eaten at hours that they should be in bed. Since they aren’t in bed when they are supposed to be, that means my nights are even longer so if I want any downtime at all, I have to stay up later which makes me tired which…yes, you guessed it…makes me crabby.

The biggest reason I am crabby is that Nico has a tournament in Indiana this weekend. I am so thrilled for him because he is so excited and I am excited to see him play. The tournament itself is not making me crabby. Ready for this? I have to drive there by myself with the four kids. Just typing that makes me feel panicky. Why, you ask? Where is Leo? Oh, yeah…that’s right. It’s the poker club night and there is some bullshit about it being the championship game and blah, blah, blah! We are already going to Vegas because he was in the top three so I really, really don’t care about him placing first. Maybe that makes me a jerk or unsupportive and so be it.

I’m trying to think of this as an adventure or at the very least, something to blog about when I’m done but it’s not working. I resent the poker club. I hate it. I hate that I have to do this with the kids by myself and it is making me mad at Leo. I don’t care how much money placing first gives him. I DON’T CARE! It’s not worth it. I mean if it meant we could move or even that I’d get a new car or even that I could go to Bloggy Boot Camp next month in Charlotte, then yes, I’d say I’ll suck it up and do it alone but IT DOES NOT. It doesn’t mean a hill of beans (okay, I felt about 80 when I said that). It only means that I am driving 3.5 hours with 4 kids. I can’t even follow anyone because it will stress me more out when my kids have to stop every half hour to pee or when I have to pull over because Gia is screaming because she hates the car. Plus driving in traffic freaks me out. Well, driving in traffic doesn’t but merging on the highway in traffic does. Wait…what am I saying? If I am stuck in traffic, it means I am stuck with my four kids in a small space and what if they have to pee or worse like they usually do? So yes, driving in traffic DOES freak me out! Not to mention that the only way Gia will not cry is by listening to Beauty and the Beast on CD and I have come to hate every song and the story itself because it drives me insane to hear it over and over again. I think I need to stop talking about this before I go into a full-blown panic.

Oh, and Leo, I hope you are reading this (and you will because I am going to send it to you and then read it out loud when you get home) because on the way back…you are driving the van and I am driving your car. Oh, yeah…it’s happening.

Amazing, I always say not to blog angry but I’m feeling less crabby already.

What about you? There seems to be a blogging funk going around. I am hoping that you find some humor in my crabbiness because what I think the world needs right now is to keep moving on and keep laughing otherwise we might all end up crying. Keeping Boston in my prayers today.

Filed Under: basketball, Leo, Nico, Rants, What is wrong with the world? 44 Comments

Mom of the Year

April 15, 2013 By AnnMarie

Okay, those of you that are regular readers, stop laughing. I know it is a stretch but stay with me for a minute.

Still letting Gia fall asleep in my bed or with me in hers.

Letting all of my kids stay up way later than they should.

Not being as vigilant as I once was about what the kids watch on TV.

Cookies for breakfast.

Coke not only on special occasions.

Causing my daughter to cry whenever we start talking about giving more thought to how she behaves in front of boys or how to eat healthier.

Getting angry when the twins call me from the nurse’s office to go get them (only because they are frequent fliers).

Pulling clean clothes out of the laundry basket because I am too lazy to fold them and put them away and I’ll admit to once accidentally pulling clothes that I thought were from the clean basket but were actually from a dirty basket (maybe it was twice…fine it was three times…don’t judge).

Not checking what Tommy or Belle are wearing before they leave for school and being shocked when they come home, realizing that either they don’t match (Tommy) or they have worn an outfit that was less than flattering (Belle). And yes, our mornings are that busy.

Telling Nico when he was 5 and first asked me about sex that it’s when a man and a woman hug really, really tightly. When I saw the wheels turning in his head and he asked me if I “did sex” with one of Leo’s friends because he hugs really tight, I threw in something about God and realized I needed to be better. (I still cringe at that one and quickly became a mom that if you asked me a question, you got the truth or at least an age-appropriate version of the truth).

All of these are reasons why I am NOT “The Mom of the Year” (along with so many more that I could list). When my dear friend, Meredith over at The Mom of the Year asked me to write about a time I was or was not, I was truly flattered. I decided to step out of the box and do something different. Come on over to her place and see what and then leave a comment there.

You will love Meredith’s blog she is hilarious and down to earth and someone I hope to someday be sitting across the table (or at a pool) with a frosty drink chatting about the ~~trials~~ joys of parenting. Hers is one of the blogs that I like to start my morning with and I consider her one of my real, true friends that I have made while blogging. I know she’ll always have my back and I’ll always have hers.

So, I hope to see you over at her place so you can see me do something I don’t do often.

Filed Under: Guest post, Parenting 12 Comments

Connections

April 12, 2013 By AnnMarie

When I started blogging, it was all about the writing. I wanted to be a writer for as long as I could remember and blogging seemed like a great way to start. At first, it was just for me. As a way of documenting the things in my life. Then, I put my toe in the water, so to speak and sent it out to friends and family. That felt odd and exhilarating all at once. Would people want to read? Is it even that interesting? From there, I put my foot in and started posting on my personal Facebook page. The response was like an instant confidence booster and someone, Leslie G., suggested that I join Twitter. Wait…strangers would follow me? And some might read my blog? Sign me up! That bubble was burst shortly after I signed up when my first 5 followers were from porn sites. I didn’t give up and though I’ve been on it for more than a year, I’m still figuring that part out. Then someone, Jody B., suggested that I have a Facebook page for the blog. I did and am up to over 200 followers (and will always welcome more if you know anyone that might like it ). I took a class from Shell at Things I Can’t Say and Ashley at My Front Porch Swing and pretty much dove right in. With the help of those girls and Kimberly at Reflections of Now and Ashley and Lisa from The Dose of Reality, I was off and running and ADDICTED. Addicted to the connections that can be made in the blogging world.

I joined SITS, a community of bloggers and found a wealth of information to help me grow as a writer. There I met some fabulous women and was lucky enough to meet up with Samantha from Life as a Wife (which I believe is on hiatus at the moment). That was my first time meeting someone from the blogging world and I was nervous! Everyone that heard I was going in RL was concerned that I was being played and that it wasn’t actually a woman but alas it was and a new friendship was born. One that started online and continues in RL, mostly through Facebook because she is off making her dreams come true. Fast forward to Spring Break when I was supposed to meet Susi from Boca Frau but unfortunately I couldn’t make it work. Next time I am there, we have to make it work because it seems pretty tragic that we were probably a street away from each other.

Then two nights ago, I had the pleasure of meeting Michelle from A Dish of Daily Life. Again, I was warned that it might be a man or a murderer (because all murderers find their subjects by setting up a blog about raising their families or pursuing their passions) but again, it was not. It was a wonderful and talented blogger that is just as down to earth in real life as she is in person. Time had gone by way too quickly and it felt like we had just scratched the surface. Blogging allows us to feel like close friends even though we have only known each other a short time. I love that. I wanted to soak it all up and make plans to meet again. I encourage you all to check out her blog. You won’t be sorry. Plus, she is a girl after my own heart and asked that the picture be taken a bunch of times because we were unsatisfied with how we looked.

Now in addition to the writing, I am loving the connections I have made. Say what you want but online friendships are real and they are strong. I know I can count on the friends that I have made through blogging to lend and ear or some advice. It just happens in emails and texts and instant messages but it doesn’t make them any less strong. I can honestly say I love some of these women and I’ve never even “met” them. Crazy, huh?

What about you? Have you met some of your blogging friends in real life and did it live up to your expectation? For those that don’t blog, do you have friendships that thrive soley through technology?

P.S. Some of my favorite bloggers have made it into a book! Best $8.99 on Amazon I have spent in a long time. I thank you ladies for my laundry not getting done, meals not cooked and hair not washed. I am too busy laughing!

Filed Under: Blogging, Friends, Writing 20 Comments

Happy 15th Birthday, Nico!

April 11, 2013 By AnnMarie

I thought of about 10 different ways to write this post. Of course all of them required me to have started last week and since you guys have been reading for bit now, you know that didn’t happen. I decided to just write from my heart. I am hard on Nico. I am hard on him in real life and on here. Every now and then, I’ll write a sweet post about him but let’s be honest. He’s a teenager and teenagers are not an easy bunch. They are forever, “Go away! Wait, I need you!” Well, since it’s his birthday, I am going to gush a little.

Nico will always hold a special place in my heart. Always. He was the one that made me a mom. It’s all I ever wanted to do and he made it happen. It wasn’t without drama, because if you know Nico, you know that wherever he is, there is some sort of commotion. He was and still has the ability to make me burst into laughter. He gets that from Leo. They are both funny without trying to be.

I am so proud of him and how hard he works (outside of the home, of course). I say it all the time but today, on his birthday, I’ll say it again. I admire his strength and drive and the desire to not let anything stop him from doing the things he loves. His triumph over adversity surprises me all the time and I couldn’t be happier to be his mom. I treasure our talks and the fact that he still hugs and kisses me often. He’s an “I love you” kid that says it every night before he goes to bed and every morning before he goes to school and I love that. He’s a normal teenager with all that entails and I am so glad he’s mine.

I love you, Nico! Happy 15th Birthday! I hope this year brings you good health, good grades and success in all you choose to do this year. And if you’d like to behave, not have a smart mouth and in general, make my life a little easier, then that would be great, too.

To check out other tributes to Nico on previous birthdays click here and here. The first one is full of funny “Nicoisms” and the second one, you can check out the pictures but really, I said the same thing there that I said here. I guess not a lot has changed.

First trip to Disney: 9 months old.

This is how he woke up after every nap: 1yo

Even at 2, he loved playing basketball.

He was a little bit of a wild guy at age 3 and loved to play games like T-Rex.

I love this picture of him when he was 4.

Doing what he loves.

Two years ago.

Today, at 15!

P.S. He’s signed up for Driver’s Ed and it starts next week. Say a prayer.

Filed Under: Nico 21 Comments

What Might Have Been

April 7, 2013 By AnnMarie

Today Rocco would have been 5 years old. I don’t know for sure if this would have been his birthday since it was only my due date but it is the only date that I have. That’s not entiredly true. I have the date I delivered him but I hate that date. That date doesn’t remind me of what could have been. That date is all about feeling my heart break in a million pieces. I am crabby around that date. Today, in the quiet of my room, I allow myself to be sad. Not for long and not enough that my kids or Leo feel it but quietly, I think of these things:

This date makes me think of a little boy with blond hair and green eyes that won’t get to be tucked in tonight.

This date makes me think of not dropping that little boy off at preschool tomorrow morning.

It makes me think of the little boy I won’t get to cuddle with and say, “Today, you are 5! You are getting too big!”

It makes me think of little league games I will miss.

It makes me think of how I won’t get to hug that little 5-year-old and smell that little boy smell (you know the one that smells like a wet dog) after he plays catch with Leo in the back yard.

It makes me wonder what being a mom of 5 kids feels like.

It makes me think of a little brother that would adore his two big brothers, be mothered by his older sister and be bothered by his little sister.

Or would they be best buds playing Legos and pretend animal games or super hero games?

Would Gia be a different kind of child if she had a sibling closer to her age?

Would I be a different kind of mom if Rocco lived?

Do I miss him? That is hard to say because he was never here.

I miss the idea of him. I live with a lot of “might have beens” and that hurts.

Sometimes I dream of him. Or at least I assume it’s him. A little blond boy with green eyes that looks like Tommy.

I hope I dream of him tonight and I hope I get to tell him that I love him because I do and I wish I could give him a hug and a kiss after I told him, “Happy Birthday.”

Filed Under: Family, Uncategorized 43 Comments

Things I Want to Punch

April 5, 2013 By AnnMarie

I know. That’s a very aggressive title and it sounds like I am in a really angry place and that is only a little true. I am not always in this angry place…just when I have to deal with these things. See, I said THINGS, not people although…

Anyway, the THINGS that I want to punch:

1. My Garage. My garage has a mind of its own. It goes up when it wants and it goes down when it wants. Sometimes the garage door opener works and sometimes no matter how many times I hit it, it won’t work. I especially want to punch it when I am running late and I have to get out of my car to go in and hold the button down, lift the other garage door and then shut it with the code. It’s punch-inducing for sure.

2. My Heat: I am going to own this one because I should have just picked up the phone and called someone a long time ago. I have let Leo deal with this and so what I am doing is still having to walk downstairs throughout the day to flip the switch to turn it back on. At night, I ~~shove~~ gently wake him to tell him to go do it and he never complains. Why? Because it’s his fault it isn’t fixed. He keeps telling me he’s going to do it, we had someone out to look at it and this is the result. I know he is just waiting for warmer weather so he doesn’t have to deal with it.

3. My Phone. I hate my phone and it hates me. It’s slow to text. It force closes when I’m in the middle of something and the latest is that while I was playing a word game (4Pics 1 Word), a really disgusting picture of porn flashed on my screen. Why? Why did that happen and what if one of my kids was playing that? It was disgusting and I swear, I felt violated and afraid to use my phone after that. Plus, when I tried to get rid of it, it would not go away. Maybe it’s a virus. Who knows? I am counting the days until I get a new one which should be soon.

4. My Toaster. Up until about two months ago, I had the same toaster I registered for when I got married. That’s a lot of mileage for a toaster (16 years). We got a new one when it died and since then, I have not had a decent piece of toast. I’ve played with the dials. I’ve stood and watched it work and still, I get burnt toast or toast that is not done. There is no in-between at all. None. Bread to burnt. That’s it. I know punching it is harsh but when you only have two pieces of french toast left and that is all your child wants to eat and you turn away for a second to tell your older children that just because the sun is out doesn’t mean they can wear shorts, a tank top and flip-flops and suddenly you have burnt french toast, a crying 3-year-old and a crappy morning.

5. My DVR. For not recording Project Runway and in its place recording some poker tournament or the 75th episode of Berenstain Bears. I know this is my fault for not changing the priority thing but I kind of wish it knew how much more exciting PR is than poker.

6. My Car. It’s probably not good karma to complain about my car since I depend on it so much but slowly things are breaking down in it. I can’t move the seat back and forth easily and if you know Leo and me, you know that he is a whole foot taller than me (and then some) so he can’t really drive where I have the seat and vice versa so it is so frustrating that when I am running late (do you see a pattern here?), the seat won’t budge. The other thing is it’s the worst when I get Gia buckled in and walk around to get in the car and go to shut the automatic door and nothing happens. I have this fear about shutting the door with the keys in the car so I don’t like to shut it until I am in it. I know that is weird but it happened when Nico was small and it scarred me. And that door is freaking heavy to close when it’s not working.

7. Our Schedule. I saved this one for last because it’s insane. It leaves no time to do anything. I’m not sure Leo and I really thought this having four kids thing through and when we were thinking about it, did we forget that they would each be individuals that would have their own ideas of what they wanted to do? So, this is the first year since he was 5 that Nico isn’t playing baseball and my first thought was, “Yay! No more sitting in the cold or extreme heat!” But wait…I still have Tommy who is still playing. And playing travel so that is like 100 games (that’s an exaggeration, I hope). Isabella is done with volleyball but still in dance and has to sign up for tumbling. Gia is still in ballet and Nico…Nico is playing AAU basketball so he has two practices a week and then a tournament every weekend except May 4th until the month of June. Then high school camps start so he’ll do those again and then the basketball will pick back up in July. I love watching Nico play basketball but this means that I’m going to miss a whole lot of Tommy’s baseball because Leo coaches Tommy and has to be there and Nico’s games are all over IL and I’ll have to be there. I sense another apology letter coming for Tommy. To give you an example of the insanity, next weekend Nico’s tournament is in Joliet and the following weekend it’s in Indiana. Guess who is going to have to drive to Joliet? Thank God for GPS! Oh and all of this…with Gia. I also sense a lot of material for the blog.

What about you? Anything you’d like to punch? Vent here. It will feel so good.

Filed Under: Rants 32 Comments

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