Gia’s first day of preschool, or as she says, “pretty school’ was yesterday. I wish I could say that I got a bunch of really cute pictures and that it went off exactly as I imagined it would: Gia in a cute dress, excited about school, smiling as she waved good-bye to me, heading off to play with other kids her age. Instead, it was too cold for her to wear the dress she picked out the night before. Strike one. I had to wake her up and she wasn’t really ready. Strike two. She cried when I left and had to be pulled off of me. Strike three. Here she was before:
Today, she went to her school from last year. We called it school and she learned so much that it was, but the official title is Parents Day Out or as I like to call it, “The Gift of Sanity”. It went better than yesterday. She woke up early, insisted on wearing the dress from before (since it was going to be warmer, I agreed), and ran into the classroom. Score, score, score! The best part? She is playing with kids her own age and I get back to the blogging world!!!! I’ve missed you guys! Here she was today:
Tuesday was not a full day of preschool. It was only an hour and while Gia became acquainted with her classroom and the way things work, the parents had their own orientation. We listened to the director discuss what the kids would be doing and all the policies and something stirred in me. I was at the edge of my seat being on the parent side. I really, really wanted to be on the other side telling how I run my classroom. I miss it. I didn’t even realize how much until I was sitting there in that room. I want to look at curriculum and themes and come up with activities. I want to read stories to a group of kids and then do an art project with them. I want to be their first teacher building a foundation of a love of learning. I want to have fun conversations during snack time. I want to watch them play on the playground and make their first friends. I want to teach them their ABC’s and 123’s. I cannot believe how much I want it. I was listening but all I could think of is how could I make it work next year? If Gia is in a four year old class, is there a way for me to teach in one classroom while she is in another? Do I really have to wait three more years? Will I be able to?
My former identity rose to the surface and was bubbling over. I am not just a mom. I am a teacher. I now consider myself a writer and things are finally happening in that area. I don’t want to give that up. Do I see a level of chaos I didn’t think was possible in my future? Possibly. But it feels good. It feels hopeful.
It’s funny. I went to all three older kids’ curriculum nights and I didn’t feel the same way. I couldn’t teach high school. I am not certified anyway but that level of teaching doesn’t really appeal to me. The only class I heard that I would have any desire to teach is health because I believe in what they are teaching but it’s all so technological these days that it sounded confusing. I could teach middle school Language Arts or Social Studies but even as I was listening to the teachers, I felt the pressure of all they have to squeeze in. I don’t have anyone in elementary school so who knows what I would have felt but sitting there listening to what the preschoolers were going to do, I wanted to raise my hand and say, “I can do this! I used to do this! Let me do this!”
It’s been a long time since I have felt the teacher in me stir. She never really went away but she’s been asleep for a very long time. There are times in this motherhood gig that I feel like I am getting it right but they are far and few between. I miss feeling good at something. The desire for that felt like a tornado stirring inside me.
What about you? Do you ever feel the stir of your former identity? Have you done anything about it?