When I first started blogging, I used the blog as a way to vent. It felt goooood. Maybe it wasn’t the best writing and some people felt like it was airing “dirty laundry” or being a Negative Nelly but most of the responses were from wives and mothers saying, “Yes! I get it! Same here!” I got slammed for some things I said about Leo but he read every post and if he said, “Don’t post it,” I wouldn’t post it. Most times he would laugh because it was all true. Some things I was afraid to post because you never know who’s reading.
As time went on, I was afraid people would interpret the rants as me not being happily married or not being happy being a mom and that wasn’t my intent. I held back. A LOT. Here and there, I’d post things that were broken and yes, maybe point them Leo’s way but in a joking sort of way.
1. I am happily married.
2. 90% of the time.
3. I love being a mom.
4. 90% of the time.
I’m going to rant. Hard.
I believe marriage should be about loving, supporting and taking care of each other. We have the first two down. We need to work on the third. We are supposed to be a team helping to make each other’s lives easier. We are sucking at that right now. We both need to step up and be better for each other. I am not requiring much, I swear. I just want the furnace to work, the garage to be fixed and to not always be the bad cop. We need to get back to it being a balance of us doing our own things, us doing things together and us doing things as a family.
And that brings me to the second rant. When I thought of my kids playing sports, I saw us as a family going and supporting that child and being their biggest cheerleader. When they were younger, there were family outings with other families and life was good. Then Nico went to high school and Tommy and Belle got older and our “family life” is non-existent. Nico missed Gia’s birthday party because he had a fundraising basketball game he had to go to. Here’s the thing. He might have been able to ask to miss it but he FELT like he couldn’t. He’s been benched for missing a practice for a doctor’s appointment that I couldn’t reschedule. The whole reason I scheduled it then was because there was no practice on the schedule. We wanted to go to Florida after Christmas but couldn’t because Nico had a tournament. We might not be able to go on our annual family vacation with my family because Tommy is going to Cooperstown for baseball. Secretly, I was happy Nico stopped playing baseball because that meant we’d still be able to go away for spring break.
Years ago, someone said, “Your kid is good at this” and the windfall of money and time were sucked right out of us. I know that it is a privilege and I know they love it. That’s why we continue to do it but my God (and yes, I am talking to Him), I am becoming so resentful of sports. I cringe when I have to do anything outside of going to watch my kids play. I know it is necessary but it’s just one more thing in a string of things I have to do or we have to do that takes time away from us being together as a family. This is our life and for years I embraced it. Now, I find myself pulling away from it. Maybe I’m jaded. Everyone says, “Wait until high school. It’s so different.” They were right.
I cannot stand winter. I hate it with every part of my being and once again wonder why in the Hell I stay somewhere that makes me this unhappy. I am sure I am on everyone’s last nerve with my fear of driving in this weather but I’ve said it before and will say it again, I feel paralyzed and my kids’ social lives are the least of my priorities and the kids have paid a price because of it. Belle more than the others. Kids don’t always want to come here and with the garage and the weather, I am too tired to deal with it all. I’ve missed more of Nico and Tommy’s games this year than any other. I love when we have snow days because we sleep in and have no schedule to adhere to but I really miss the days when it meant that everyone was stuck in their own houses. We are all driving each other crazy with cabin fever and I’m so sick of hearing, “Can I hang out?” Hmmm…let’s see. NO! Maybe I should look at it differently and drive them all where they want to go so that I can finally get some writing done. But then I have to figure out how I am going to get them all home.
My last rant is a few rants all rolled up into one and they all involve raising kids. Everyone does what they need to for their kids. Parents switch schools, switch teams, throw parties, have sleepovers…whatever. Why is it so wrong when I want to? One phrase that I have been hearing a lot lately is, “Oh, they are a bad influence.” Really? I always thought my kids were responsible for their own choices. If someone is influencing them to make bad choices and they are going ahead and making them, then that’s on them. Yes, there are kids that rub me the wrong way but thinking that if they aren’t a part of my kid’s life will magically make my kid make good choices is really just another way of saying, “Not my kid.” If I’ve learned one thing with this whole motherhood gig, it’s that saying, “My kid would never do that,” is the fastest way to look like a fool.
Oh, and I loathe Instagram. Not for me. For teens and tweens. HATE IT!
You know what I would love for people to remember?
There are two sides to every story and then there is the truth. ~ Mark Twain
I’ve missed you guys. I keep saying once the kids are in school, I’ll be back to posting more frequently but they haven’t been able to stay in school!