Pour Your Heart Out

A Few Things Never to Say to the Mother of Your Children

May 22, 2013 By AnnMarie

Leo has been a little stressed the last two weeks. He’s been running around from work to practices to meetings in other states to both baseball and basketball games. I get it. Sometimes when we are stressed, we say things that maybe we should keep to ourselves. I am guilty of this, too. This is just a helpful post for those of you out there wondering what NOT to say to your wife, the mother of your children, the love of your life:

1. Upon entering the house, “Um…what happened in here?” Do you think it has escaped me that our house is in shambles? This is a saying for a reason, “The house was clean today at 11. Sorry you missed it.” I pick up after Gia all day long. She is the biggest mess-maker of all my kids. I put things away and suddenly, she has a burning desire to play with that very item that sat on the floor the entire morning. The boys use the whole house as their closets. Time for practice? Let’s strip down in the family room and leave our clothes right here. “What happened in here” you ask? Your four children happened in here.

2. “So are you going to tackle this mess in here?” How about you “tackle” the mess? I’ve “tackled” it all day long and I am freaking tired. What’s that? You worked all day and just want to relax? Wow, I can’t imagine how that must feel.

3. “How about instead of laying with Gia, you clean the house?” How about you get on the four children that have made the mess and haven’t lifted a finger to clean it since I have lost my voice yelling at them? How about instead of spending Saturdays shuffling kids from game to game and friend’s house to friend’s house or sitting at Jake’s, we work together to clean the house to start the week off clean and organized? What’s that? Wait, you’re tired and don’t feel like going to battle with the three most stubborn kids on the planet and you don’t feel like spending one of your days off cleaning? Yeah, well, I have been up since 5:45 trying to get our kids up and out of the house on time and then spent the day with the Energizer Bunny and then drove all over God’s green earth so I am just a little bit exhausted at the end of the day and my favorite part, the light at the end of the tunnel is cuddling with Gia who whispers, “You are the best mommy ever” as she drifts off to sleep. So the answer to your question is, “NO.”

4. After waking up from Gia’s room, I was folding the endless laundry that collects here so when this was said, I showed great restraint. “I don’t really like this plan you have going on. You get to nap for two hours and then when I want to go to sleep you are wide awake doing stuff. How is that fair to me?” I have a few things to say about this but I will refrain and instead say this: Poker Club.

5. I know he was joking when he said this but there is always a little truth in the joking: “Can you make sure all of Tommy’s uniforms are clean by Friday?” How about I am in charge of all 9 loads of laundry that we accumulate during the week and you be in charge of Tommy’s uniform since he loves wearing it and then takes it off piece by piece from room to room?

6. “I’m leaving right now.” If this phrase is uttered when you are already a half hour late and it takes a half hour to get home, be ready to face the wrath of a woman counting every second until you are home because it just might be her rare night of getting out with her sisters or friends.

Here are things to definitely say and have been said by Leo several times (to be fair):

1. “You look skinny.” (I could be politically correct and say he should say that I look “healthy” but this is an honest blog and that’s what he said and that’s what made me feel good.) Men, you get a free pass to just about anything when you utter these words. Just trying to help you out.

2. “That blog post was funny.” Just the fact that you are reading it, is major points but that you think I am funny or good at this…that is awesome.

3. “I’ll take the kids on a walk so you can get some stuff done.” Any mention of taking the kids anywhere so that she can get anything done is a big one. It shows that you respect your wife and know that sometimes she needs a break.

4. “I switched out the laundry” or “I ran the dishwasher”. Again, that saying that saying: “What do you call it when a man cleans?” “Foreplay” is a saying for a reason. Maybe TMI but you know you women are nodding in agreement and you men are making plans to run the dishwasher tonight. You’re welcome.

5. “Thank you.” For anything. Sometimes it is just the simple acknowledgement that we went out of our way. To know you appreciate what we do keeps us motivated and feels good.

6. “I love you.” Life gets messy right along with the house. Hearing these three words lets us know we are still in this together.

The tone of this post is to diffuse some of the things that sometimes escape our mouths. I am guilty of it, too. I can just imagine the post Leo could come up with. This is what makes up Leo and me. We get stressed, we take it out on each other, we apologize and we move on. We love each other to our very cores but we also know the exact buttons to push when we lash out. Can you guess what button I am most sensitive about?

What about you? Can you relate? What is something your spouse has uttered that made you say to yourself, “You should never say that again”? Or maybe you have uttered a phrase that you knew you weren’t going to say again?

P.S. This post is poking fun at some of the things said when we aren’t thinking. There is always some truth to the jokes, like I said, but it is a joke nonetheless.

Meds or No Meds?

May 15, 2013 By AnnMarie

Disclaimer: Once again, I am probably over-sharing but again, this blog is an honest look at parenthood and marriage and if one person can relate, then it is worth sharing.

I wrote a post almost a year ago called Would Meds Help? I bared my soul and I think it has been my most viewed and commented post. Obviously, it is a hot topic and one that is hard to talk about.

I was miserable a year ago and if you asked me why, I don’t think it was one thing. I started having panic attacks where I would feel paralyzed to even go out of my house. Nico was getting older and wanting more and more freedoms that I wasn’t prepared to give him. Isabella was having friend issues, Tommy was having some health issues and Gia was two (enough said). There were so many changes and nothing felt like it had before. Friendships changed for all of us and trying to find a happy, balanced place was tough. Leo is a social guy and I don’t even think he knew how bad I was feeling. I think he just chalked it up to me being anti-social. Nico going into high school scared me for so many different reasons. A big one was that hospitals aren’t filled with elementary school children that have CF, they are filled with high school kids that have it. When I look back at that time, I remember feeling worse because I had everything I wanted and still felt anxious, sad, and mad all the time. I kept wondering if I should go back on antidepressants. I went back and forth. I didn’t want to. I wanted to be strong and overcome it all myself. I didn’t want to rely on taking a pill to feel happy. Why couldn’t exercise be my thing? Why couldn’t I relieve my anxiety that way? Then maybe I’d lose the baby weight I was still carrying that was depressing all in itself.

I finally talked to my doctor and at my request, he put me back on Prozac. It had worked for me before so I felt okay going back on it. It didn’t work and I gained 8lbs while on it. I was miserable. Then I was afraid to go back on anything because I was afraid to gain more weight and still not feel okay. I stopped taking it cold turkey which my doctor didn’t like. He gave me Attivan and said to take it as needed. That’s not what I wanted. I didn’t want a pill that I had to take when I started feeling anxious. I was always feeling that way. It felt more like a “happy” pill. I’d take it and instantly feel more relaxed but yes, you guessed it, I was afraid to take it. It made me sleepy and with four kids and a husband that coaches and travels, I couldn’t afford to be sleepy when I had to be “on”. I didn’t take it very often but with Nico being a freshman and going out on the weekends, I did take it a few times.

I wanted something that would help me feel balanced…even-keeled. I tried going back to church, I did a bible study on my own, I prayed like crazy. I wanted to feel better. I wanted to be the person that in my head I knew I could be-grateful for the blessings in my life, strong enough to handle the crap that life slings at you and happy. Content. I wanted to feel joy again. And not joy laced with fear or anxiety or dark thoughts of what the future might hold (sickness or worse, death).

I found myself in my doctor’s office with three sick kids, crying to my doctor. I love my doctor. He looked at me and said, “There is no shame in wanting to feel better.” And at that moment, I really, really wanted to feel better. I didn’t want to feel like I was walking through sludge to get through life. I didn’t want to keep wishing away my kids’ childhoods because I felt like I was going crazy. Four kids= four sets of problems. Problems that even though they were dealing with them, my heart was breaking for them. My mind was reeling at night with all that they were dealing with.

You know that sick pit in your stomach that keeps you awake at night worrying? I wanted to get rid of that. I know the worry won’t ever stop. It comes with being a mom but that sick pit of thinking of every single worse case scenario, I wanted that to go away.

He put me on Wellbutrin and Prozac. My first fear was that I was going to feel “drugged out” which would be the biggest irony ever since I managed to get through high school and college without ever doing drugs. He assured me I would not. I started taking them after the CF fundraiser that I went to in January. I noticed right away that something was happening. After I’d take the Wellbutrin, I’d feel a calm wash over me. That lasted a week and then I just felt better. Calmer. Balanced. The best part was that because I felt better, for the first time in a long time, I felt committed to changing things in my life. One was the way I ate. I’ve already talked about the 17 Day Diet and I finally had the energy to make some changes. The weight finally came off. I don’t care what anyone says (including my therapist that insisted that even if I lost the 10-15 extra pounds, I’d still be unhappy), that felt GOOD. Another was that I stopped doing things I didn’t want to do. I stopped feeling guilty for being an introvert. This is who I am right now. I know some of you are thinking I’m crazy to think I am an introvert and maybe that is too strong. Maybe a hermit is a better word.

I knew the meds were working when Tommy almost passed out from his 6th grade shots. Before I took the meds, I would have been crying and freaking out. I wasn’t. It was kind of nice sitting there thinking, I should be freaking out but I’m not. The second time I knew they were working was Spring Break. I felt a way that I have never felt before when planning on going to Florida. I looked forward to it. Looked forward to moving forward in a positive way. I will say that though I felt good about it overall, it takes more than meds for some situations.

Are the meds a cure-all for Angry/Sad/Anxious Mommy? No. I still get mad. I still get frustrated. I still hate the same things I hated before (sleepovers, parties, drama). I still think about things that have caused me pain and feel sad. I still worry but I sleep better, I feel better and I no longer feel like the only way I am going to get through life is by shutting people out and hiding in my house (okay, the hiding in my house is because I want to, not because I think that is the only way to live).

No one talks about how hard this is. No one talks about how Motherhood and the movie “Ground Hog Day” are pretty much the same thing. That each day you get lost in a messy house, crying kids, carpools, cooking, diapers, homework, smart mouths and no sleep and you have to find the happiness in there so that you can be the mom you want to be. That’s hard. Throw in some extra issues like trouble in school, kids not reaching the milestones they are supposed to, trouble with friends, girlfriends, boyfriends or any special need and it is downright impossible to plaster a smile on your face and act like everything is okay.

I am mad at myself that I waited so long to get help. I could have felt this way earlier had I not been ashamed to admit that I needed help. I am telling you this, not only because I suffer from over-sharing but because I don’t want to be anything less than honest and I think if people are unhappy or feel unbalanced, they shouldn’t be afraid to ask for help. Life is short. Why spend it any other way than happy? And…if you can’t get there on your own, there is help to get you there.

Maybe someone is reading this that is ashamed to ask for help. Don’t be. Maybe someone is reading this and is on meds themselves and this made them feel less alone. I hope so. Either way, I stand by what I truly believe. Everyone is different and what works for some might not work for others. No judgements either way. We all do what we have to in order to be okay. This is what is working for me and I am okay with it.

Filed Under: Changes, Happiness, Parenthood, Pour Your Heart Out 29 Comments

Equal Partner or Not?

April 24, 2013 By AnnMarie

I need to start by saying that this is my issue. Not Leo’s. He has NEVER said any of this and when I bring it up, he assures me he doesn’t feel this way either. This is all me. I don’t know if I have discussed this before. I might have but since it has come up again, I am going to talk about it again.

I’ve worked since I was 11. It was babysitting but I got paid so it counts, right? Then I worked at a pizza place (for two days because they told me I’d only be taking orders and then they showed me how to make a pizza and I freaked and quit), then I worked at Osco in the cosmetics department. That lasted a summer and in that summer I saw my Nana tell off my boss because she called me a slut because my boyfriend would come up and visit me and then walk me home and I am pretty sure a lot of people got an accidental discount because I didn’t know how to work the cash register. I worked to pay for cheerleading and quit once school started. Then I worked at Movies to Go which was bought out by Blockbuster Video. Movies to Go was soooo much better as far as working went. Anyway, after that I worked in a bunch of daycares. I loved those jobs. That’s actually one of the moments that I look back and can’t believe I did what I did. I wanted to work at the daycare across the street forever. Over Christmas Break my freshman year, I went there and asked if I could volunteer. I did for two days and then the boss came to me and said, “Let’s get you on the payroll.” Boom! I was working my dream job (of course now that I have four kids of my own, “dream job” is all relative). I did that until I got my teaching job and then did that until I had Nico. Always worked.

I even take pride in the fact that I lived on my own for a year before I got married. I was fiercely independent and if I wanted something, I bought it. If I wanted to go somewhere, I went. It figures that I didn’t know I loved to travel until I really couldn’t.

I tell you all of this because I feel stunted. I no longer feel like if I want something I should/can have it. I can usually talk myself out of it because one of the kids needs something more or we need a new car or something needs fixing or I want to move. Something always comes first.

Whether it is the poker club, fishing trips (which in his defense don’t happen anymore but they used to), basketball leagues (again, very rare) or trips to Alaska, they all manage to happen. And these are just the big things.

It all boils down to this: he works hard and doing that stuff is like a reward for dedication and hard work. I work my ass off. The difference? Someone recognizes his hard work and pays him with real money instead of kisses and hugs. I get it. My work is rewarding but it’s also the reason that I can’t just pick up and leave for a weekend (or a week). When Leo does his stuff, there is no thought to who is going to take care of the kids. I’m here. All.the.time. There are no typed out pages of instructions of who needs to be where and who gets what. He just goes. Maybe he has to arrange rides for practices which I appreciate but it’s not the same.

So many things I want to do that I feel I can’t. I want to take a writing class. I want to go back to school. I want to go to a blogging conference. I want to go on a girls’ weekend. I want to find my way to bring in some income so that I can stop feeling this way. Ugh…and all of that sounds so selfish to me. There is a time for everything and maybe now is not the time for me to do these things but it seems so unfair.

I don’t have the freedom to decide I want to do something and put it on the calendar and just do it.

Part of it is my fault. I go to Leo with “ideas” and I’m guessing that is what he thinks they are. I need to go with a plan. When I do go to him, he never says no. He says, “Look into it and we’ll see if we can do it.” He’s not the problem. It’s me. It’s how I feel. Here’s the thing with that. I know myself and I know that if I go to the trouble of researching and planning something and then I can’t do it, I am going to be mad. Not just a little but the claws will come out and every single thing he has ever done for himself will come flying out and that is going to be a damaging fight. I’d rather not have one of those.

It bugs me. I want to be equal partners and I hate that I don’t think I’ll feel that way unless I am working and bringing money in.

What about you? Do you feel this way? Are you a SAHM and feel like an equal partner? What is your secret?

Filed Under: Pour Your Heart Out, Random Thoughts 36 Comments

Anger Issues: Part 1-Mama Bear

March 21, 2013 By AnnMarie

Can I honestly say it’s been a good week this week? No I cannot. Is it better than last week? Yes, yes it is. So that is something. If you come back tomorrow you can see Anger Issues: Part 2 and if you are raising a daughter, you won’t want to miss it.

I need to pour my heart out.

I am angry. I am angry that Nico is going to be 15 in less than a month and I am STILL arguing with teachers about letting him go to the bathroom. He is still being made to feel embarrassed by people I entrust him to. Let me be clear. His classroom teachers have been wonderful in high school. Almost all of them have been supportive. I don’t know what it is with gym teachers and Nico (with the exception of his last semester gym teacher who treated this issue like it is…not a big deal). Is it because he is an athlete and they think he is slacking? Do they expect him to go full force in practice and in gym? Probably. I mean it is high school P.E. It’s the class that is going to catapult him into Yale or Harvard. So taking three minutes to pee is really going to be a detriment to his grade and his future career plans. I don’t shout from the rooftops all that I am proud of with Nico but he does not use CF to get out of homework. He does not use it to go to school late because he is EXHAUSTED from school, practice, homework and then treatments on top of it. He wants NO special treatment. ALL he wants is to be able to quietly go to the bathroom when he needs to which unfortunately is often. He is getting mostly A’s and a few B’s and I have not heard ONE complaint about him abusing his permanent bathroom pass. Why, then do some teachers decide to give him a hard time about it???

Nico told me not having a 504 plan is better. He likes it better this way. If I thought he’d need it for more than just him going to the bathroom when he needs to, I’d push for it but he doesn’t. HE IS DOING FINE! We are blessed beyond belief that he is as healthy as he is and that it doesn’t interfere so don’t you agree that it would be ridiculous to have an education plan in place to pee? I sat in more meetings in junior high about my son being able to go to the bathroom that it was laughable. It was infuriating that with all that the schools and teachers have to do and worry about, some teachers get hung up on giving my son a hard time about going to the flipping bathroom.

His gym teachers constantly think he is using it as an excuse to get out of doing what they are doing. They see it as him being disrespectful. He’s getting an A in this class so obviously he isn’t missing that much of the class. I feel bad for him because when the teacher asked him after taking 3 minutes to pee if he thought he could just go to the bathroom anytime he wanted, Nico, knowing that he has the permanent pass that says he can said yes thinking his teacher knew. His teacher took that as back talk and told him to see him after school. Nico doesn’t get in trouble often so was upset the rest of the day, texting me telling me. I emailed the teacher (yes, I was one of “those”) and told him about the pass and said that if he felt Nico was disrespectful in any way, I’d have him apologize. He answered sounding like someone who exerted authority because he can and that Nico was avoiding the track (if Nico had done what the teacher wanted him to do, which was to go back and tell the teacher that he had to go to the bathroom and then go back to where he was in the first place, it would have taken 10 minutes instead of 3, so was he really avoiding the track?). That set off the Mama Bear in me. I said the same thing I said here and when Nico went to see him, he told him to not do it again. What was the point of that? So, he almost misses his bus home for this teacher to give him a hard time about peeing only to tell him, just don’t do it again?

Just let the kid go to the bathroom in peace! Jeez! Am I really STILL having this discussion this late in the game??

What do you think? How would you have handled it? Would you have been a Mama Bear (come out swinging) or a Mama Ostrich (head in the sand)?

You know what else adds to anger issues? Feedburner saying I lost all 78 of my subscribers. Why, Feedburner, just why?

Filed Under: Cystic Fibrosis, Nico, Parenting, Pour Your Heart Out, Rants, Uncategorized 19 Comments

Helpless

March 14, 2013 By AnnMarie

This is fragmented because I am too tired to form complete thoughts.

I knew something was off when she woke up on Monday. Her eyes were glassy and she felt hot. She didn’t want to be put down.

The “Moms Together” at church that I looked so forward to wasn’t going to happen for me. Gia was sick.

Just a fever. 101.

I gave her Tylenol and Motrin.

She slept all day which is so unlike her. Falling asleep anywhere she could put her head.

Helpless.

She said her stomach hurt. I thought we were in for round 2 of the stomach flu that Belle had the week before.

It never came. The fever wouldn’t go away.

Motrin helped.

Nights were hard. A little hot body next to mine. Me staring at her to make sure she was still breathing. Helpless.

She slept all day and I do mean ALL day on Tuesday. School didn’t happen. Fever raged all day but would come down after Motrin. When she was awake, she was fighting taking the meds.

By 6:00 (of course after the doctor was gone for the day), her fever registered 104.7. Fear. Panic. Helpless.

I loathe the ER. I don’t trust them anymore.

I called my sister who is a peds nurse. She talked me off the ledge. Gave Gia Motrin. If it didn’t go down, I was heading to the ER.

A long hour later, 102. Take her? Don’t take her? She was eating. She was drinking. More helpless waiting. By 8:30, it was 99.

She fell asleep in her own bed. Good sign. I couldn’t wait to sleep.

But it didn’t come. 3 other kids.

Greek project, math homework, book reports.

Kids in bed. Finally sleep.

Mind racing. It’s midnight. Need to go to sleep. Eyes finally heavy.

1:00am, Gia’s up, crying.

No sleep…again. Helpless. Not knowing what is wrong. Knowing I need to take her into the doctor.

Temp 100 at 6. More sleep for her. 3 kids up needing to get out of the house.

Doctor appt set for 1:15. Gia woke up and had celery and cheese and cried that she didn’t want to go to the doctor.

Fell back to sleep until 12:00. Cried the entire car ride and until the doctor saw her.

Temp in the office: 103

Took 3 of us to hold her down to check her ears and do a strep test. Helpless.

Strep and an ear infection.

One dose of antibiotics and some Motrin and my little girl was almost back to normal.

Finally took a bath and screamed the whole time. Fell asleep on me after.

Moved her to her bed. She woke up at midnight. I didn’t even hear her with my body and mind needing to sleep.

She was burning up again. Tried giving her Tylenol (the only liquid I have) while she was asleep. Didn’t work. Had to hold her down.

Temp: 102 Helpless. Stayed up watching her breathe. Cradling her.

She’s sleeping now. 3 kids to get out the door and sleep that won’t come anyway.

Will it be a better day or will it be another day of feeling helpless?

How are you when your kiddies are sick? In control or panic? I like to think of myself as panicking under control.

P.S If your eyes are closed and you are horizontal in the bed, it’s considered sleeping…just sayin’.

No Related Posts

Filed Under: Gia, Pour Your Heart Out 24 Comments

Recycled Post: The Gifts of CF

March 6, 2013 By AnnMarie

In light of the boys’ appointment tomorrow, I thought it would be nice to revisit the post talking about the gifts that Cystic Fibrosis (CF) has given me. It was one of the most challenging posts to write but worth it to hang onto something when the darkness of CF looms around me. There are so many negatives to living with this disease that I never thought about the positives. Click here to see what I came up with: The Gifts of CF

Since anytime I am talking about CF, it feels like I am pouring my heart out, I linked up with Things I Can’t Say and since I wrote this post before I was in the blogging world, I am recycling it with The Mommy Mess.

Filed Under: Cystic Fibrosis, Pour Your Heart Out, Recycled Post Leave a Comment

I am Flawed

February 20, 2013 By AnnMarie

This has been weighing on me for a little bit. It’s hard to grow as a person without first acknowledging where you need to change. Some people say that people can’t change. I disagree. I think they can. Or they can continue to work on being better. God knows (and so do most of you) that I am not perfect. It’s a humbling exercise to sit and write where you are flawed but I am going to do it.

1. I am not a phone person and I am terrible at returning phone calls. Email me or text me and I will respond embarrassingly fast but call me and I’m awful. I think part of it is because my hearing isn’t that great and part is because anyone that has a toddler in their house knows that they could care less whether you are on the phone or not. They want your attention when they want it. Period. That makes for an annoying participant in a phone call. Part of it is also that I can never find my cordless phone and when I finally do find one, I’m on it for 30 seconds before it dies from being off the charger for so long. I can go weeks without picking up the phone to call someone but there is no reason behind it other than I am bad at the phone.

2. I am missing the “organizational gene”. I like things clean. It drives me crazy to see dust or urine around toilet seats (with three males living here, that is often) but clutter doesn’t bother me. Let me rephrase, it doesn’t bother me enough to make sure that every object has a place of its own and there are a lot of objects in this house. With four kids and Leo, I am inundated with laundry and I have been known to have baskets of clothes sitting on my bedroom floor while kids pick through them to find clean clothes. I am a GREAT folder. I hate putting away. I have been known to leave an important piece of paper on the kitchen table until I need to use it so that I won’t forget about it. I have tried several organizational systems to no avail.

3. I hold grudges. I am learning to fix this one and to let things go but it’s been a work in progress. This is not an attractive trait. Forgiveness is a much nicer trait. Once I have been hurt by someone, I have a hard time letting them back in. It extends to my family as well. Someone once said something not so very nice about Leo that wasn’t true and ever since, I have no desire to know or get to know that person. I don’t think there is any love lost. I don’t think he likes me too much either. It’s the old situation that I am sure you all know: I can poke fun or say what I want about Leo but no one else can. It’s the same with sisters and kids. This has been the bane of my existence with Leo’s mom and I am happy to say that our relationship is improving because I have made the choice to let a lot of things go and forgive. So it is possible to change. That being said, hurt my family and I can’t promise to ~~not~~ ~~come at you like a mama bear~~ let it go.

4. I disappear. I have a tendency to shut down and hole up in my house. It’s getting worse as I get older. I have a thing with crowds. It’s what has kept me from going to basketball tournaments, games, parties and church. It’s weird because Disney is my favorite place and it’s usually crowded when we go. I don’t go on rides so maybe I don’t notice as much. Or maybe I love being on vacation so much that it cancels it out. I don’t know if winter is the reason or the excuse for why I don’t leave my house very often but come January-March, I only go out when I absolutely have to.

5. I have a short fuse. As Leo likes to point out to anyone that notices that it only takes a little bit to make me happy, it also only takes a little bit to set me off. Things that have been known to cause my temper to flare:

Children that can’t find an item and only start looking for it two minutes before they need to leave.

Telling me you’ll be home in a half hour and then actually coming home two hours later.

The Double Standard

Asking for a sleepover.

Poker

Games over holiday weekends

The DVR not recording my shows.

Looking at me blankly and saying, “I don’t get it” (before even looking at it).

Waiting to do a project the night before it is due.

Things that don’t work the way they are supposed to.

I’ll stop with 5 flaws since this could get out of hand and a woman has to remain somewhat of a mystery (I couldn’t even type that with a straight face since me and mysterious are not synonymous). Someone said to me when I told them I was going to do a post like this, “Why would you want to point out your flaws?’ My answer is simple. It is our flaws that make us human and admitting them makes us relatable. My hope for this blog at the very least is that people find it relatable. Plus, now that I see them in writing, it motivates me even more to change them.

So tell me, can you relate to any of these? If not, share one of your flaws. I bet I can relate.

Pouring my heart out with Shell:

The Journey to Acceptance

Filed Under: Pour Your Heart Out 36 Comments

Distorted View

February 13, 2013 By AnnMarie

Coming soon is a post about acceptance that I wrote for a dear friend. It’s an ongoing struggle and I’m not having much luck with it today.

Eat Low Carb

Eat No Carb

Have to Have Some Carbs

Eat A Lot of Fruits and Veggies

Don’t Eat Fruit After 2:00

Only Eat certain Fruits

Eat Low Fat

Eat No Fat

Cut Out All Sugar

Natural Sugar is Okay

Eat Low Calorie

Have to Eat Enough Calories So Body Doesn’t Go Into Starvation Mode

Dairy is Good for You

Dairy is Bad for You

Eat Protein

Eat Fiber

Cut Out Gluten

Eat 3 Meals a Day

Eat Many Small Meals a Day

Watch Portion Size

Everything in Moderation

Food has always been an issue with me and with the list above, is it any wonder that I have absolutely NO idea what to put in my mouth? No idea what is okay to eat. Logic tells me it isn’t smart to cut out whole food groups. Something else inside of me, though, cancels out logic when it tells me it’s okay to eat 5 or 6 chocolate chip cookies so it is hard to know what to trust. I know what my problem is. I am the world’s pickiest eater, I eat weird foods and I love sugar. If I could just find a way for eggs, edamame and Tilapia to be a way to lose weight with flavored almonds, celery and cheese and apples and peanut butter as snacks then I’d be all good. I don’t even like to eat a lot. I often am so busy that I am unable to eat (which yes, I know is bad for the metabolism). All of this was fine until…I had a baby at 39 and hit 40.

The number keeps going up. In the old days, I’d give up drinking my beloved regular Coke and instantly see a difference. I haven’t had a Coke (or any other soft drink) in I don’t know how long and no difference. I was convinced that it was the cereals that I love (and I love a lot of them) that was causing my yoga pants to be tight (yes, sad day when yoga pants are tight) so I gave them up, even my favorite Special K Vanilla Almond. Still no difference. It must have been then, the strawberries and chocolate (that I am not supposed to eat anyway) so I gave them up. Still nothing. Then I was convinced that it must have been the Black Cherry Propel. Those liars, they said it was zero everything but it must have been the chemicals that gave it the black cherry flavor that was doing it so I gave it up and now only drink lemon water. Apparently, eating only the marshmallows out of Lucky Charms after you are 40 causes the scale to go up so I stopped doing that. The only vice I have left is Starbucks Hot Chocolate and I already get that with skim milk and no whipped cream. Do I need to let that go, too?

I tried Weight Watchers but got tired of counting points. I did Spark People and I liked it but got tired of logging everything in. I did Atkins but I am not a big meat-eater. I did South Beach but was so hungry that I looked forward to the Calcium chews that I was taking. They felt like a delicious meal and if I could have cut them up in pieces to enjoy longer, I would have (that’s just sad). I looked into The Paleo Diet and it made a lot of sense but I don’t like a lot of veggies. I have started the 17 Day Diet figuring I can do anything for 17 days and I can definitely fit 17 minutes of exercise in a day but wouldn’t you know it? I am having a hard time getting two fruits in before 2 and I am having to force myself to eat yogurt.

I know it is a lifestyle change and that I need to find what works for me. The problem is that I haven’t found what works for me. I need to make changes but the realization that I just can’t have some of the foods I love is depressing. What’s that you are thinking? Everything is okay in moderation? Yes, but how many of you, like me, can’t stop at one cookie or one chip or a cup of Kettlecorn popcorn? That’s an issue of self-control and I’m working on it but right now, I suck. I thought the issue was exercise because I never was very good at that but even though I’ve committed to doing at least 17 minutes a day, I usually do 20 30 minutes a day and still nothing.

They say not to get caught up on the number but I can’t help it. I do and it is a number that says I need to make some changes. More changes. Ughhh. And whether we need to lose 10lbs or 60lbs, if what we see in the mirror isn’t something that we are comfortable with then we have a right to those feelings. For example, I used to get really irritated when a person that I thought was skinny (because it is all relative) would complain that they needed to lose weight but even though I think 120lbs is skinny, that person used to weigh 110 so to them, they are 10lbs overweight (and no this is not me, I haven’t seen 120 since before kids) . They are still not comfortable with the way they look or in their own skin so who am I to tell them to get over it and that they are being ridiculous? We are all fighting against the same societal standard of the size 2 woman being the ideal. We open the same magazines, watch the same TV and go to the same movies where these women have bodies that are unattainable to the “real” women out there raising kids and working both inside and outside of the home. It’s not that I compare myself to them because I know what they do to maintain their bodies and it isn’t even something I want to do. What I do want to do is enjoy life while feeling comfortable in my own skin. I thought that was what being 40 was about. I could have sworn when I was in my 30′s I heard that.

I am not telling you this because I am obese or think I am obese. I am telling you this because my unhealthy way of looking at food is affecting me in other areas. Take for example the picture that I had on here yesterday. Many people had a lot of nice things to say for which I am appreciative. The reality of that, though is that I made my sister take that picture so many times and at so many angles to get it so that my hair looked okay and my arms didn’t look like ham hocks and my smile didn’t make me look like I have a double chin. One picture out of a bunch that I felt okay enough with to post. Such a distorted view.

I cannot take a good picture with Nico. For whatever reason, I can’t stand the way I look. Maybe because he is tall and lean and in pictures with him I look short and stubby. I don’t know but I do know that I have to get over it otherwise there will be no pictures of me and him and I cherish the pictures from when he was little. Want to know the irony of that? I remember picking apart those pictures, seeing my adorable son but then looking at all the things I didn’t like about myself (thinking, I’ll never wear that shirt again or Why didn’t anyone tell me that short hair makes my face look rounder?) and looking back, I didn’t have anything to pick apart. I looked fine and I was happy cuddling with my son who was sitting on my lap (and I was so freaking young).

I didn’t post that picture to get compliments. I posted because, sadly, it was the only one I took but after reading what people said, I thought to myself, Why can’t we see ourselves the way others see us? I can’t tell you how many times I take a picture of someone (almost always a woman) and I think it is beautiful and they want me to redo it because they think they look bad. Why can’t we be kinder to ourselves? Such a distorted view.

I think about how Gia is always crawling on my lap and saying, “Mommy, you’re bootiful” and I wish I could see myself through her eyes. Why is my view so distorted?

So to wrap this up, I still don’t know what to eat, I need to put aside how I feel and be a part of the memories that I want to make with my kids and I need to remember that even if I am not comfortable in my own skin at the moment, someone out there thinks I am “bootiful”.

What about you? Do you allow the distorted view to affect your life? Are you comfortable in your own skin? When did that happen? Something to look forward to in my 50′s?

Pouring my heart out with Shell:

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Filed Under: Pour Your Heart Out, Rants 23 Comments

5 Things Making Me Happy Right Now

February 6, 2013 By AnnMarie

Happiness. After this week, I cannot wait for it to come to me. I need to go find it. I need to choose to be happy because it is weeks like this past one that do me in. Send me on a downward spiral. I’m not going to let that happen because I am going to focus on what is making me happy right at this moment.

1. Gia is potty-trained! Dear God in Heaven, if there is a silver-lining in that child being sick all week, it is this. I thought about it last night and wondered if I am sad at all at her reaching this milestone. She is still wearing diapers at night and Pull-ups for naps (though these days, the naps are far and few between) but am I sad that she is getting bigger and is no longer a baby? Hmmm….NOPE! Not this one. Just plain relieved and happy to have this one done. I keep thinking about how I am going to spend all the extra money now that we aren’t buying diapers as often and then I remember that I have 3 other money-suckers. I will not elaborate on this because before I dug my heels in and did it, I hated reading about other kids that were potty-trained. I felt like there was a 1000lb weight on me to do it with every announcement. I will just say, it wasn’t as bad as I thought.

Did you hear the news? I don’t wear diapers anymore!

2. Watching Belle play volleyball. I know I was complaining that we added yet another sport to our already crazy schedule but I have now been to two games and I don’t care if she ever plays competitively, she glows when she is out there. She smiles as big as when she is on a field cheering or a stage dancing and she looks like she is having a blast. After years of the boys playing travel something with so much of the focus on win, win, win, it is so refreshing to sit in the stands and watch kids having fun.

It’s a little blurry since she was supposed to be practicing and not posing for a picture for her mom’s blog.

3. Nico being grounded. While I am not happy about the reasons why, I am thrilled not to have to worry about what he is doing, who he is with, how he’s getting there, and how he’s getting home. I was worried that such a harsh punishment would cause him to stay angry and withdraw but it hasn’t. We’ve had some great conversations and though it isn’t all rainbows and happiness, I pray that he is learning that there are consequences for his actions and that we aren’t going to go back on our word. I have said it before and I’ll say it again, this is the hardest stage of parenting for me and I wish I had known then what I know now. I would have totally enjoyed the stages before (well at least before tweendom).

It’s a little dark but he was being a good brother by sitting with Gia while she tried to fall asleep. If he wasn’t grounded, no way he would have been there.

4. Tommy is a self-starter. He is my only one. Tommy might seem like he is off in “LaLa Land” but he has got a really good head on his shoulders. He comes home, gets his homework done (without any help), does his treatment and gets himself ready for practice all without being told (well, he might need to be told once but that is nothing compared to how much nagging goes on with the others). What is even better is that he’s figured out that if he pays attention in school and works hard there, he can have an easier time here at home and that taking tests is a breeze. With him being absent several days last week because he was sick, him being a self-starter makes me happy because it relieves a lot of stress in him catching up.

5. I have big plans this weekend. Normally, I am a “do nothing” kinda gal but after being cooped up in this house for so long, I am ready to get out and have some adult conversation. Leo and I are attending Chef’s Gala again this year with my sister, Gina and brother-in-law, Deo. I plan on throwing caution to the wind and eating my way through the night and starting my 17 Day Diet on Sunday. I was planning on wearing the same outfit I did last year but after reading about the shoes, I remember the pain and might have to find something else. On Saturday we are having dinner with friends of ours that I love, love, love that we don’t get to see very often because we have six kids between us at all different ages and doing all different activities. We grew up with them, vacationed with them all the time, spent almost every weekend with them when we were dating, married and had Nico and miss them terribly. Everyone needs couples in their lives that knew them before the roller coaster of parenting hit and that no matter what life hands you or how busy life gets, if you need them, in a heartbeat, they are there and Adam and Lisa, if you are reading, you are one of ours. We cannot wait to see you guys!

This is going to be my “go-to” picture whenever I am excited about anything and I am excited to spend time with adults this weekend.

I love starting my day thinking of what makes me happy instead of the 400 things I need to do and how I don’t want to do 399 of them. I forgot to add one teeny-tiny thing that is making me happy: Tonight is my Barnes and Noble night!!! Yahoo!

On a side note, those of you that comment, I am just wondering, do you have to subscribe to my comments in order to see my response to your comment or does it automatically come to you in your email? Those that might be shy about commenting because they aren’t sure how, you just have to put your name (any name, yours, your blog, a username you use), an email (and it doesn’t even have to be a real one and I am the only one that sees it) and you don’t need a website. In case you are reading and were unsure of how to comment, WP makes it easier to comment, I think. At least I hope I am one of the blogs that is easy to comment on. You guys will have to let me know.

What about you? What is making you happy today?

Feeling glass half-full and pouring my heart out with Shell :

Filed Under: Family, Gia, Isabella, Nico, Pour Your Heart Out, Tommy 35 Comments

Crying Bull****. Let’s Be Real

January 23, 2013 By AnnMarie

If you are offended by curse words, I only use one but if that offends you, feel free to skip today’s post. It goes without saying that I love my kids but in case you get the wrong idea: I love my kids.

Life gets crazy sometimes so I can’t always blog. I have mentioned before that there are things that I can’t blog about which leads me to having a hard time writing about anything at all. Especially when there are things weighing heavy on my heart. Right now, what is weighing on my heart is bull****. Loads and loads of it.

Let’s talk for a moment about how having kids changes us. It changes more than just our sleep habits or our bodies. It changes the way we see the world, the way we see our friends and the way we relate to people. It is why I constantly want to crawl under a rock and hide. Their hurts are my hurts. The mama bear in me comes roaring out and in order to not ruin relationships, I need to stay under my rock. I don’t do it to be rude.

How many of us had great friends that we thought would be friends forever but because of kids, that friendship died or changed so that you barely speak anymore? I’m not saying that in an all negative way. Maybe your kids aren’t the same age so getting together is hard. Maybe your kids are the same age but have different interests. Maybe they had a falling out. It happens and all I am saying is that having kids changes us. We might not discipline them the same way and that gets hard so you pull away. One way isn’t right or wrong but it is different enough that it makes hanging out together hard. Did we even see that coming?

I suck at wearing “the mask”. You know the one I am talking about. The one that is all plasticky and has the fake smile that says, “I’m fine. Everything is fine. My life is perfect.” I’m pretty sure that more than half of the people who I talk to or run into are big, fat liars that wear this mask. Why is it so hard to be honest? I just don’t get it. This job is hard and pretending that it’s not makes it that much harder. No one talks about how it breaks your heart. No one talks about the worry because God forbid, the world might think that they or their kids are less than perfect. It’s such bull****. I’m not afraid of looking like a failure. I am afraid of failing. I don’t like feeling judged but if admitting that this isn’t all rainbows and butterflies sets me up for judgements, then so be it. I don’t think I am alone in this but maybe I am. Maybe that is what life is about: wearing masks. I’m in trouble if that is the case.

One can argue that maybe it isn’t a mask and that they just want to be private about their lives and I respect that but being private and reveling in others’ pain or misfortune are two different things. With all of the social media out there, the days of being private are gone. Gossip is the nature of the beast when it comes to living in a small town. People don’t want to talk about their own hurts or fears or how this job sometimes sucks so they deflect and talk about others’ hurts, fears or “Oh, my God, can you believe that happened” moments. It’s such bull****.

Kids are going to screw up. Kids are going to hurt other kids’ feelings. Their brains aren’t done forming so they are impulsive, ego-centric and have a hard time looking past the here and now. It’s not politically correct to say but some kids, as smart as they are otherwise, can be pretty dumb from time to time. They are learning and forging their way through not always making the right decisions. We are learning as they grow. Are we that far removed from when we were kids that we forget that we made mistakes as well? Why do we think our kids aren’t going to? Why are we so shocked when it happens. I remember when I was younger talking about a friend behind her back. Why? I have no idea but I did and she found out and she got mad. I saw how upset I made her and I learned not to do it again. I learned from screwing up how to be a better friend. Nico didn’t think he needed to study for his finals. He thought the short days was license to relax, hang out a little, take it easy. All of the harping on him to study because his grades would suffer fell on deaf ears. He did less than stellar on his finals, bombing one and all of his grades dropped from A’s to B’s and B’s to C’s. Will he learn that he has to study for finals next time? I hope so. Am I upset that his grades fell? Absolutely but maybe that had to happen for him to take school more seriously. Am I going to be judged because I don’t have a straight A student? Maybe but he’s grounded for the majority of this semester so that he can concentrate on school because there is a consequence for every bone-head move he makes. It’s not about their mistakes, it’s how we parents handle it when they make them.

I’m ungrateful if I say all of this out loud. It would damage my children to know that raising them is sometimes less than fun. Well, guess what? I’m not a good liar and maybe they should know that it is their behavior that makes it less than fun. How many times have you woken up thinking, Today will be different? Today, I’ll put a smile on my face and be more positive. I won’t let it all bog me down. How many times have you woken up thinking that? And then 15 minutes after you’ve woken up, your teen is dragging ass and won’t get in the shower making everything run later and one of your tweens gets upset because you tell her that Pop Em’s are not the healthiest of breakfasts and your toddler wakes up so crabby that nothing consoles her. Tired, in my soul before 8:00am, but maybe that is just me.

Maybe this post will turn off some of my readers because it is a ”Negative Nelly” one and for that, sorry. Maybe some readers will stand up and say, “Yes! That’s exactly how I feel!” I’ve never been a fan of masks, especially the plasticky ones and I have a very low tolerance for bull****. This post just caught me at a time when I felt like both were overflowing and writing about anything else seemed fake and I can’t have that.

Am I alone in this? What’s the bull**** going on in your life? Spill it here. I promise, you’ll feel better.

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