*Warning: I did not take my own advice and I wrote this mad. It might not stay up very long if I have writer’s remorse.
Dear Family that I love so very, very much,
I AM NOT AN ALARM CLOCK!!!!
I have reached my limit with trying to get you all to wake up. Every single night you ask me to make sure you get up early and every single morning, I wake you up and NOTHING! You don’t move. You don’t acknowledge that I’m nicely waking you up. I gently say your name a few times. I tell you what time it is and remind you that you asked me to wake you up early. The response? Either a whole lot of nothing or you roll over and go back to sleep. Then I leave only to have to go and try to get you up ten minutes later. I really love when you open your eyes as if I am some crazy person yelling at you to get up for no reason. I am tickled pink when you yell back at me not to shake you awake because that is the only way I know you have actually heard me and will attempt to wake up.
Here’s a newsflash Gubenko Family:
YOU ALL GO TO BED TOO LATE!!
The thing is, I don’t even care. It’s not a battle that I want to take on because we are all night owls over here. What I am going to say to you is that if you choose to stay up late, then you better damn well be able to get up the next morning and function. I go to bed later than all of you and still manage to wake up early enough to have this fight with all of you over the age of 3.
I’ve had it. Seriously had it. Things are going to change.
Leo: You have your own alarm clock. Set it and wake up to it. Every other week you have to take the boys to school. You know this. It does not take you five minutes to shower and dress and so help me God if you don’t get up early enough to take the garbage out on Tuesdays and not make the boys late, I will eat a whole bag of Oreos and a whole can of Salt and Vinegar Pringles on your side of the bed. I love you but you have some screwed up way of telling time that in 42 years has made you late more times than I care to count. If you think it goes unnoticed, you are wrong. Stop making everyone else late while saying, “I’m ready.”
Nico: Ughhh….Nico. Sweetheart, you set the entire morning. I know it sucks but you do. If you get in the shower late, everyone else does, too. It’s not fair to your friends that we take to school and it’s not fair to the twins who are trying to get ready for school. You are really close to getting a bucket of water thrown on you because besides buying a megaphone, I’m not sure what else will get you moving. Here’s the new deal: If you give me a hard time again and make my weekdays start off miserably, I am going to make it my job to make your weekends miserable. You know how you love hanging out with friends all day and all night on Saturdays? Roll over and ignore me one more time and you’ll be home all day and all night on Saturday. Obviously it will be to catch up on the sleep you so desperately need during the week.
Tommy and Belle: I’ll combine you two since I’ll say the same things. You guys go to bed too late. All of those episodes of Friends and King of Queens that you HAVE to watch? They are on the DVR. Watch one a day and you’ll still be able to get homework done and go to bed by 9. I’ve got news for you. You guys are about to be banned from the television. One more morning of you guys running out the door looking like orphans that stowed away on a boat to Ellis Island and it’s no more TV and bed by 8.
To all of you, you remember breakfast, right? It’s the meal you have after you wake up to start your day. If you wake up fifteen minutes earlier, you might enjoy it again. Or you might enjoy it sitting down with a fork instead of on the way to the bus in a package. Side note-if the PopTart is strawberry, it counts as a fruit, right?
You all love that I make your lunches so you don’t have to buy lunch at the cafeterias. I get it but why am I busting my ass to make all of you lunches to make your day a little easier when you are so difficult starting my day? I am going on strike. Until you start getting up when you are supposed to, I am not making lunches. I have bought you all alarm clocks. USE THEM! Nico, those birds chirping seem to keep you asleep. You need to pick a louder, more annoying one. Maybe a recording of me yelling, “GET UP! YOU ARE MAKING EVERYONE LATE!” Or how about “YOU’RE GROUNDED!”? That one seems to get you moving.
I love you, my dear family, but you are making me crazy and it’s only the first month of school!
A very tired and frustrated me
To all my readers: I’ll end this here since I have to go wake up Gia for school. Say a little prayer that she wakes up happy and not with her head spinning around spitting out pea soup.
Am I the only one that has a family like this? Please share.