You know how you have a favorite TV show and it goes on and on and on until it’s not your favorite anymore and you start to let episodes delete on your DVR before watching them? I don’t want to be that show. I want to be the show that you are wishing wouldn’t end, the one that leaves you wanting more or at the very least, ends on a satisfying note.
I have had some amazing opportunities through this blog. I got to go to New York, was in two published books and made some wonderful friends.
A funny thing happened when my computer went down last week. I lived without it. It was liberating not to be tied to it. I missed my friends that I connect with through the internet and I missed writing in this space but I really feel like the time has come to close up shop.
When I told Gia that I wasn’t going to be working on the computer, she said, “Really?! Thank you, Mommy.” She basically thanked me for being more attentive because I had too many, “Just one second” or “Let me just finish this” than I probably should have. After I had blogged for a year, I was going to quit. I thought for Nico’s sake, we should go back to being anonymous before he went to high school. He encouraged me to keep writing because I loved it. When I told him I was thinking of quitting again, he said he was “kinda glad” because when people “googled” him, my blog came up and they read it. One kid said what I wrote was deep and about how hard it is raising Nico (I’m guessing it was the one that was “Advice for Parents of New Teenagers”. While I am not ashamed of anything I have written here, it made me feel weird and lose the drive a little bit.
I am not happy with the environment that I am raising my kids in. There are things I feel are important that have fallen by the wayside. It’s not enough to just go through the motions and get through each day. That’s what I feel like I’m doing. I’m at a point where I am tired of writing about it and need to do something about it. Something has to change and it’s not going to change unless I change it. That’s what I have to do. I have to get back to being happy with the way I’m raising my kids.
I cannot put aside things I feel or am dealing with and write about something else. I’ve never been good at that. I want to write about how much I hate social media. It’s made raising a teen a constant anxiety attack. Teens haven’t changed but our world has and they now live in a place where everything is broadcasted and accessible to everyone. I am guilty of it myself. I blogged about our life for three years. It’s time to go back to being private. Social media has devastated Belle and made it a full-time job maintaining her self-esteem. I’d love to write in detail how we have dealt with “girl drama” and losing people you thought were your best friends. Tommy has his own “stalker” on social media and it’s upsetting.
The love/hate relationship I have with technology is weighing heavy on the latter. How can I tell the kids to stop being so tied to their phones/iPods when I’m so tied to mine (or my laptop)? I envy the people who are able to balance it. Only blog when the kids go to sleep (which is um…never). Wake up early and write and read (I go to bed around 1am. There is no getting up early and fitting in writing and reading while running around like a chicken with my head cut off doesn’t really work). Blog and read when the kids are in school (Sometimes I want to spend that time with friends or family I don’t get to see often and I feel guilty because I know I should be catching up).
I wrote something two posts ago that sparked something in me. I miss working with kids. I’m going to give some serious thought to running a “drop in” service where parents can drop their young kids off so they can run errands. It wouldn’t just be babysitting. It would be more structured than that…a mini-preschool for kids that age. Summer tutoring for school age kids and reliable care for infants and toddlers. It wouldn’t be at the same time. I can only have 4 kids here at a time. I don’t know…it’s just jumbled thoughts at the moment but the thought of it actually happening excites me the way blogging once did.
Maybe when the kids are older or out of the house, I’ll go back to it. Maybe by then Facebook will go back to being nice about letting our stuff be shown to our followers. I mean, they clicked follow because they want our updates, right? And yet only about 43 followers out of 300 saw them.
I just want to thank you all for reading and for commenting and letting me know constantly that I am not alone in one of the hardest jobs out there. People say that friends you make online aren’t “real”. Bull. Some of my very best friends were met through my blog and I intend to keep them. I want to thank you guys for praying when I needed prayers, lending an ear when I needed to vent and making me laugh all the time. I’m not giving up on that Girls’ Spa Weekend. We need to make that happen this summer.
The irony is not lost on me that it’s because of the chaos that I was blogging and now it’s because of the chaos that I am stopping.
Love to you guys always and I’m only an email away.
Until we meet again…