Coming soon is a post about acceptance that I wrote for a dear friend. It’s an ongoing struggle and I’m not having much luck with it today.
Eat Low Carb
Eat No Carb
Have to Have Some Carbs
Eat A Lot of Fruits and Veggies
Don’t Eat Fruit After 2:00
Only Eat certain Fruits
Eat Low Fat
Eat No Fat
Cut Out All Sugar
Natural Sugar is Okay
Eat Low Calorie
Have to Eat Enough Calories So Body Doesn’t Go Into Starvation Mode
Dairy is Good for You
Dairy is Bad for You
Eat Protein
Eat Fiber
Cut Out Gluten
Eat 3 Meals a Day
Eat Many Small Meals a Day
Watch Portion Size
Everything in Moderation
Food has always been an issue with me and with the list above, is it any wonder that I have absolutely NO idea what to put in my mouth? No idea what is okay to eat. Logic tells me it isn’t smart to cut out whole food groups. Something else inside of me, though, cancels out logic when it tells me it’s okay to eat 5 or 6 chocolate chip cookies so it is hard to know what to trust. I know what my problem is. I am the world’s pickiest eater, I eat weird foods and I love sugar. If I could just find a way for eggs, edamame and Tilapia to be a way to lose weight with flavored almonds, celery and cheese and apples and peanut butter as snacks then I’d be all good. I don’t even like to eat a lot. I often am so busy that I am unable to eat (which yes, I know is bad for the metabolism). All of this was fine until…I had a baby at 39 and hit 40.
The number keeps going up. In the old days, I’d give up drinking my beloved regular Coke and instantly see a difference. I haven’t had a Coke (or any other soft drink) in I don’t know how long and no difference. I was convinced that it was the cereals that I love (and I love a lot of them) that was causing my yoga pants to be tight (yes, sad day when yoga pants are tight) so I gave them up, even my favorite Special K Vanilla Almond. Still no difference. It must have been then, the strawberries and chocolate (that I am not supposed to eat anyway) so I gave them up. Still nothing. Then I was convinced that it must have been the Black Cherry Propel. Those liars, they said it was zero everything but it must have been the chemicals that gave it the black cherry flavor that was doing it so I gave it up and now only drink lemon water. Apparently, eating only the marshmallows out of Lucky Charms after you are 40 causes the scale to go up so I stopped doing that. The only vice I have left is Starbucks Hot Chocolate and I already get that with skim milk and no whipped cream. Do I need to let that go, too?
I tried Weight Watchers but got tired of counting points. I did Spark People and I liked it but got tired of logging everything in. I did Atkins but I am not a big meat-eater. I did South Beach but was so hungry that I looked forward to the Calcium chews that I was taking. They felt like a delicious meal and if I could have cut them up in pieces to enjoy longer, I would have (that’s just sad). I looked into The Paleo Diet and it made a lot of sense but I don’t like a lot of veggies. I have started the 17 Day Diet figuring I can do anything for 17 days and I can definitely fit 17 minutes of exercise in a day but wouldn’t you know it? I am having a hard time getting two fruits in before 2 and I am having to force myself to eat yogurt.
I know it is a lifestyle change and that I need to find what works for me. The problem is that I haven’t found what works for me. I need to make changes but the realization that I just can’t have some of the foods I love is depressing. What’s that you are thinking? Everything is okay in moderation? Yes, but how many of you, like me, can’t stop at one cookie or one chip or a cup of Kettlecorn popcorn? That’s an issue of self-control and I’m working on it but right now, I suck. I thought the issue was exercise because I never was very good at that but even though I’ve committed to doing at least 17 minutes a day, I usually do 20 30 minutes a day and still nothing.
They say not to get caught up on the number but I can’t help it. I do and it is a number that says I need to make some changes. More changes. Ughhh. And whether we need to lose 10lbs or 60lbs, if what we see in the mirror isn’t something that we are comfortable with then we have a right to those feelings. For example, I used to get really irritated when a person that I thought was skinny (because it is all relative) would complain that they needed to lose weight but even though I think 120lbs is skinny, that person used to weigh 110 so to them, they are 10lbs overweight (and no this is not me, I haven’t seen 120 since before kids) . They are still not comfortable with the way they look or in their own skin so who am I to tell them to get over it and that they are being ridiculous? We are all fighting against the same societal standard of the size 2 woman being the ideal. We open the same magazines, watch the same TV and go to the same movies where these women have bodies that are unattainable to the “real” women out there raising kids and working both inside and outside of the home. It’s not that I compare myself to them because I know what they do to maintain their bodies and it isn’t even something I want to do. What I do want to do is enjoy life while feeling comfortable in my own skin. I thought that was what being 40 was about. I could have sworn when I was in my 30′s I heard that.
I am not telling you this because I am obese or think I am obese. I am telling you this because my unhealthy way of looking at food is affecting me in other areas. Take for example the picture that I had on here yesterday. Many people had a lot of nice things to say for which I am appreciative. The reality of that, though is that I made my sister take that picture so many times and at so many angles to get it so that my hair looked okay and my arms didn’t look like ham hocks and my smile didn’t make me look like I have a double chin. One picture out of a bunch that I felt okay enough with to post. Such a distorted view.
I cannot take a good picture with Nico. For whatever reason, I can’t stand the way I look. Maybe because he is tall and lean and in pictures with him I look short and stubby. I don’t know but I do know that I have to get over it otherwise there will be no pictures of me and him and I cherish the pictures from when he was little. Want to know the irony of that? I remember picking apart those pictures, seeing my adorable son but then looking at all the things I didn’t like about myself (thinking, I’ll never wear that shirt again or Why didn’t anyone tell me that short hair makes my face look rounder?) and looking back, I didn’t have anything to pick apart. I looked fine and I was happy cuddling with my son who was sitting on my lap (and I was so freaking young).
I didn’t post that picture to get compliments. I posted because, sadly, it was the only one I took but after reading what people said, I thought to myself, Why can’t we see ourselves the way others see us? I can’t tell you how many times I take a picture of someone (almost always a woman) and I think it is beautiful and they want me to redo it because they think they look bad. Why can’t we be kinder to ourselves? Such a distorted view.
I think about how Gia is always crawling on my lap and saying, “Mommy, you’re bootiful” and I wish I could see myself through her eyes. Why is my view so distorted?
So to wrap this up, I still don’t know what to eat, I need to put aside how I feel and be a part of the memories that I want to make with my kids and I need to remember that even if I am not comfortable in my own skin at the moment, someone out there thinks I am “bootiful”.
What about you? Do you allow the distorted view to affect your life? Are you comfortable in your own skin? When did that happen? Something to look forward to in my 50′s? 
Pouring my heart out with Shell:
I am a stay at home mom, married to my college sweetheart, Leo. We have four kids, Nico, Tommy, Isabella and Gia. We have a son, Rocco that is an angel in Heaven.
I wish I had a magical answer for how to lose the weight. It’s so hard. And I don’t have willpower. Or I’ll skip lunch b/c I was too busy and then eat the equivalent of 4 meals for dinner because i’m starving.
I do think we’re all way more critical of ourselves than we are of anyone else, though. And that’s something I’ve been trying to let go of for a long time.
Shell recently posted..Pour Your Heart Out: My Kind of Romance
I do the same thing with skipping a meal and then eating more than I should. I needed to get this post written and out so that I can bury it and try and lighten up about it. I just want it to not consume me. I wish there was some magic to losing weight, too.
AnnMarie, just to say I know how you feel! I have had some success lately with shedding a little weight, but I still have so far to go and it’s so hard. It always has been a struggle for me and I’m sure it will be. I was talking with a friend yesterday who was very discouraged about her weight, and it just kept hitting me how it is HARD. A magical solution would be so great, I know…
Meredith recently posted..Love Around These Parts
I wouldn’t mind putting in hard work if I saw some results, you know? And I wish I could be okay never eating sugar again but the thought makes me sad. Congrats to you for having some success! All it takes is a little success to keep us motivated, right?
I relate to every.single.thing. you wrote here. In every way. I could have written this exact post, actually. And I wish there was a magic answer. Or my body naturally looked like I was wearing SPANX. -Ashley
thedoseofreality recently posted..Papier-Mâché Needs To Stay!
I love that you came here and said that you could have written this exact post. I was hesitant to post it because it is something that really bothers me but there are so many bigger things in the world to worry about., that I didn’t want to sound petty. But I know I am not the only one that thinks about this and I just want to get it out there and move on. And it’s nice to hear that I am not alone.
William Hickson wrote
“‘Tis a lesson you should heed:
Try, try, try again.
If at first you don’t succeed,
Try, try, try again.”
After our first baby, I never lost the weight after child 3 I was about 170 at 5’2″. I tried EVERYTHING and after 6 years of various tips, tricks and diets, I found what worked for me, which was going Vegan. I don’t think it’s the right thing for everyone, but it was for me. I feel like myself again. And at 115, I’m happy, healthy, and sort of fit (yoga and running when I can. Actually. More like jogging, sometimes really, really fast walking). I like shopping for clothes again. I think if people are comfortable where they are, then by all means they stay there. But if you’re not – just keep looking – you will find the answer you’re looking for that will be the perfect solution for YOU. It took me 6 years – so I know you can do it.
Tracy recently posted..The One Where My Mom is Actually Reading My Blog
Well, this gives me hope. I am 5’2 and the thought of ever seeing 115 makes me a little giddy. That is awesome that you found something that works so well for you. How inspiring! I will keep looking until I find what works. It’s got to be out there and I should be able to find it soon since I feel like I’ve tried everything else. I love the line in your comment about being comfortable because that is exactly what I was saying!
I can completely relate. (Just wrote a post about this myself a few days ago.) Forever I’ve been so critical of my body, but now it’s grown to feeling critical about my face, too. Forty has not been easy on this front – so much change, so fast. Hard to love cellulite.
Jenny recently posted..Whack-a-Mole: Parenting in an Intrusive World
Amen! That has been the story here, too. I’m going to go check out your post! Thanks for stopping by!
I struggle with the weight thing too. Three years ago I stopped smoking and have since put on a few extra pounds. I’m staying pretty steady at this weight and I’m more or less resigned to it. But I do watch what I eat, try to drink lots of water and walk 2 miles 3-5 times a week. The thing is that I do feel healthier than I did three years ago. I guess, a few pounds extra are better than a pack of cigarettes a day! Also, have you had your thyroid checked lately? A lot of times it can contribute to not being able to lose weight! Good luck…
Susi recently posted..Little One for President {Wordless Wednesday}
Yay, you for quitting smoking! I have had my thyroid checked, just a week ago, actually and it’s fine. I’m actually healthy as a horse (is that still a saying?). It is such a struggle, isn’t it?
I’ve been actually writing a post similar to this, in my head (yeah, let’s not go into why I haven’t had time to actually write it down).
I get it. I’m by no means obese, or even fat, and I’m definitely within a healthy weight range, but I don’t FEEL good about my body, and myself. So I appreciate what you said about how being 120lbs for someone may not be overweight, but it matters TO THEM.
I don’t have great advice, because it sounds like you’ve tried so many things. I just know this – you use more calories than you consume, and logically, the weight should drop off. I am not a fan of calorie counting, so I know this will be hard. Just a few tips that I know worked for my friends (and to some extent, me):
1. Substitute your favorite foods with something else that’s equally yummy. The problem with giving stuff up, is you end up eating something else that doesn’t appeal to your taste buds, so you struggle with it. If you like sugar, for example, eat more fruit that’s sweet. It should satiate the craving.
2. Cut out dairy. I did this when my first was 10 months old because I had to (I was breastfeeding and he had eczema, dairy made it worse). I lost 10lbs in a couple of months. So, think milk, butter, cream and all the other stuff with dairy in them – that means yes, cheese, cake, ice cream etc. There are so many yummy subs out there like soy, almond milk, etc.
3. Cut down on gluten. Bread, pasta etc – don’t cut out completely, but reduce portions (which you should apply to your main meals). Go for wholegrain where possible.
4. Eat small meals frequently. I see that you skip meals – bad idea. I know that sometimes, it’s hard to sit down and eat. But pre-pack some snack bags. Eat them on the go. I also prep freezer-friendly breakfasts such as egg muffins. Just toss them in the microwave for 20 seconds, and you’re good to go.
5. Exercise. I know you say it’s not making a difference, but maybe you need to change it up? Combine cardio with strength, it burns more calories. Weight training makes a huge difference, because you’ll be burning calories even when you’re not working out. It’s great for your metabolism.
6. Set baby goals. Tiny ones. Instead of losing 50lbs, redirect that to 1lb a week, or fitting into a pair of favorite jeans in 1 month.
The thing is, don’t give up. Good luck!
Alison recently posted..Putting Thought, Paying Mind, Present For, And Proud
All very good advice and my favorite is finding healthier things to substitute my favorites with. I wonder what the substitute for Starbucks Hot Chocolate would be?
Looking forward to reading your post on the same subject.
1. My yoga pants are totally tight on me too!! I was JUST complaining about it to my women’s group! (Seriously get it- I mean yoga pants are STRETCHY right?)
2. Every single body is so different- any advice isn’t really worth it. When we get older, our bodies change so much. YOU know what might work better than anyone else. And Lord knows you have tried! One thing that used to help me (I suppose I could try it again…right?) is CHANGING the time you work out. Throw your body off! If you worked out in the morn- do it later in the afternoon. etc.
3. I HATE HATE HATE all my pictures!!! I am disgusted with them and how I look. Seriously. Hate. Them. The only pictures you will see are pictures that are far away- I can handle those better. OR when I am tan. HA! I get it. I get a hundred takes for a decent one that is not great but “do-able”
4. Ever since you sent me that post, I have been brewing a post about acceptance. It will be coming soon. Here’s a hint. The title will be “Love you where you’re at.” Hmmm…. what a concept eh?
5. This one is the most important one!!! Ready for it? Okay- HOT CHOCOLATE IS BUY ONE GET ONE FREE AT STARBUCKS TOMORROW!!! I am totally sending you the code so you can not only treat your beautiful self to one but TWO FREAKING HOT CHOCOLATES FOR VALENTINE’S DAY!!!! F— IT!!!! (Wow…never said anything like that on line before…but dammit F—IT!)
Chris Carter recently posted..February Friend #3:
This comment made me laugh out loud…like I almost spit out my hot lemon water out loud.
Okay, since it is Valentine’s Day and I said we should be kinder to ourselves (well, if I didn’t say it, it ended up on the cutting room floor), I am going to have those two hot chocolates and while drinking them, I am going send up a prayer of thanks that our paths crossed! Happy Valentine’s Day, my friend!
You have no idea how badly I want to give you a hug right now – because I SO get where you are coming from. And there are no “easy” answers – at least I don’t think. With eating, the ONLY thing that works for me is to listen to my own body wisdom. I know inherently what my body needs (versus craves) and what my body does not need – and I do believe that every one of us is different that way depending on chemistry. When I was younger, I would totally binge on sugar – and my weight would go up/down 20 pounds – which on my 4’11″ frame looked like 40. Clearly, I am not someone who can even flirt with processed sugar. “Moderation” with sugar does not work for me – although it may work for someone else – and the list goes on. I hope you find *your* truth – and the self acceptance that you are entitled to, beautiful lady.
Ilene recently posted..Love Revisited
Aw, I’d take that hug! I have the same relationship with sugar. I just can’t have a little bit. My body and brain turn into this “Gotta have it, NOW” thing that I can’t control. And can I just say that I love that you are 4’11. I am 5’2 (but think I am already shrinking) and when I read that, all I could think of is, “Shorties unite!” or “All power to the shorties!” So from one shorty to another, Happy Valentine’s Day! So happy to have “met” you!
First of all, I want you to know that you are beautiful, both inside and out.
But I so understand exactly what you mean here. Even if we aren’t obese, we don’t feel comfortable in our own skin. And that’s a really hard place to be. How about we do this together? I’m just getting myself back on track after neglecting my diet for the holidays, so do you want to do a buddy system? Keep each other in check?
Um, that comment was from me. Obviously I typed my info in wrong.
Okay, first of all, thank you. That was very sweet and right back at ya. Second of all, Hell yes! I’d love to do it together and keep each other in check. Just another excuse to email each other.
Not that we need one. 
I can SO identify with this! And am currently in the “wrestling with myself” phase, putting NOTHING in my mouth. Until I eat an entire bag of almonds at 11pm.
*sigh*
I am working on acceptance. Because you’re right; we need that most.
(Here from Ilene’s blog … celebrating her 1st year of Divahood.)
So glad you stopped by! I do the same exact thing with not eating anything and then polishing off a whole bag of something. Glad to know I am not alone.