If you are offended by curse words, I only use one but if that offends you, feel free to skip today’s post. It goes without saying that I love my kids but in case you get the wrong idea: I love my kids.
Life gets crazy sometimes so I can’t always blog. I have mentioned before that there are things that I can’t blog about which leads me to having a hard time writing about anything at all. Especially when there are things weighing heavy on my heart. Right now, what is weighing on my heart is bull****. Loads and loads of it.
Let’s talk for a moment about how having kids changes us. It changes more than just our sleep habits or our bodies. It changes the way we see the world, the way we see our friends and the way we relate to people. It is why I constantly want to crawl under a rock and hide. Their hurts are my hurts. The mama bear in me comes roaring out and in order to not ruin relationships, I need to stay under my rock. I don’t do it to be rude.
How many of us had great friends that we thought would be friends forever but because of kids, that friendship died or changed so that you barely speak anymore? I’m not saying that in an all negative way. Maybe your kids aren’t the same age so getting together is hard. Maybe your kids are the same age but have different interests. Maybe they had a falling out. It happens and all I am saying is that having kids changes us. We might not discipline them the same way and that gets hard so you pull away. One way isn’t right or wrong but it is different enough that it makes hanging out together hard. Did we even see that coming?
I suck at wearing “the mask”. You know the one I am talking about. The one that is all plasticky and has the fake smile that says, “I’m fine. Everything is fine. My life is perfect.” I’m pretty sure that more than half of the people who I talk to or run into are big, fat liars that wear this mask. Why is it so hard to be honest? I just don’t get it. This job is hard and pretending that it’s not makes it that much harder. No one talks about how it breaks your heart. No one talks about the worry because God forbid, the world might think that they or their kids are less than perfect. It’s such bull****. I’m not afraid of looking like a failure. I am afraid of failing. I don’t like feeling judged but if admitting that this isn’t all rainbows and butterflies sets me up for judgements, then so be it. I don’t think I am alone in this but maybe I am. Maybe that is what life is about: wearing masks. I’m in trouble if that is the case.
One can argue that maybe it isn’t a mask and that they just want to be private about their lives and I respect that but being private and reveling in others’ pain or misfortune are two different things. With all of the social media out there, the days of being private are gone. Gossip is the nature of the beast when it comes to living in a small town. People don’t want to talk about their own hurts or fears or how this job sometimes sucks so they deflect and talk about others’ hurts, fears or “Oh, my God, can you believe that happened” moments. It’s such bull****.
Kids are going to screw up. Kids are going to hurt other kids’ feelings. Their brains aren’t done forming so they are impulsive, ego-centric and have a hard time looking past the here and now. It’s not politically correct to say but some kids, as smart as they are otherwise, can be pretty dumb from time to time. They are learning and forging their way through not always making the right decisions. We are learning as they grow. Are we that far removed from when we were kids that we forget that we made mistakes as well? Why do we think our kids aren’t going to? Why are we so shocked when it happens. I remember when I was younger talking about a friend behind her back. Why? I have no idea but I did and she found out and she got mad. I saw how upset I made her and I learned not to do it again. I learned from screwing up how to be a better friend. Nico didn’t think he needed to study for his finals. He thought the short days was license to relax, hang out a little, take it easy. All of the harping on him to study because his grades would suffer fell on deaf ears. He did less than stellar on his finals, bombing one and all of his grades dropped from A’s to B’s and B’s to C’s. Will he learn that he has to study for finals next time? I hope so. Am I upset that his grades fell? Absolutely but maybe that had to happen for him to take school more seriously. Am I going to be judged because I don’t have a straight A student? Maybe but he’s grounded for the majority of this semester so that he can concentrate on school because there is a consequence for every bone-head move he makes. It’s not about their mistakes, it’s how we parents handle it when they make them.
I’m ungrateful if I say all of this out loud. It would damage my children to know that raising them is sometimes less than fun. Well, guess what? I’m not a good liar and maybe they should know that it is their behavior that makes it less than fun. How many times have you woken up thinking, Today will be different? Today, I’ll put a smile on my face and be more positive. I won’t let it all bog me down. How many times have you woken up thinking that? And then 15 minutes after you’ve woken up, your teen is dragging ass and won’t get in the shower making everything run later and one of your tweens gets upset because you tell her that Pop Em’s are not the healthiest of breakfasts and your toddler wakes up so crabby that nothing consoles her. Tired, in my soul before 8:00am, but maybe that is just me.
Maybe this post will turn off some of my readers because it is a “Negative Nelly” one and for that, sorry. Maybe some readers will stand up and say, “Yes! That’s exactly how I feel!” I’ve never been a fan of masks, especially the plasticky ones and I have a very low tolerance for bull****. This post just caught me at a time when I felt like both were overflowing and writing about anything else seemed fake and I can’t have that.
Am I alone in this? What’s the bull**** going on in your life? Spill it here. I promise, you’ll feel better.