Don’t get me wrong…I LOVE Facebook and how easy it is for me to keep up with friends and I know my readership would lose a lot of numbers if I suddenly left Facebook. Because of it, I belong to a community of bloggers that I didn’t even know existed and have made some wonderful friends. Because of it, I have gotten great referrals, advice and a weight bench. There is no doubt of the benefits of Facebook. Between fixing Nico’s Facebook because someone hacked it and checking to make sure everything was on the up and up, it occurred to me that Facebook is kind of evil.
I know I have talked on here before of the things I think are wrong with it but it continues to amaze me how awful it can be.
I know so many of the kids in Nico’s grade that it was fun for me to browse through and look at how grown-up the kids looked. What was not fun was seeing the posts from the kids that didn’t go. If they didn’t care, their posts didn’t portray that. There were sad pictures with statuses that read, “All alone tonight” or “This is my homecoming date” and then it was accompanied by a picture of the kid’s dog or cat. If there were kids that wanted to go but didn’t how painful to be online and seeing all the fun that they weren’t a part of. That’s not to say that every kid that didn’t go feels bad that they didn’t but a lot of statuses made my heart hurt.
Kids are still being stupid with it. A neighboring high school’s athletes were all suspended for posting pictures of themselves drinking at a party. You can read the story here. Why? Why is it so hard for them to understand that they have no idea who is looking at what they put out there and even if they think they are having a private conversation, they aren’t? Not to mention that they friend everyone so half the people that they are showing their stuff to, they don’t even know. While some of that might be fine and the people might not really care, there is always the risk that someone out there that wasn’t invited to that party you are posting about, is going to get even by ratting you out.
Think about when you were a teenager and the stuff you and your friends talked about and how you talked. Now imagine it plastered all over the place for anyone to read. Something you might have said in the moment is now saved until someone deletes it but even then all that saw it still know. There are heated discussions after every football game…trash talking and sometimes it escalates and turns ugly with one team members threatening to “kill” the other team members. Remember when you were younger and someone would say that? “You guys are dead next time we see you.” Did they really mean we were dead? No, of course not but when you see that on Facebook, in writing, it has a whole different feel to it. Being a teen is sometimes depressing. The boy you like doesn’t like you, your classes are hard or you didn’t make a team you wanted to. Before Facebook, you shared that with your friends or maybe wrote in a journal. Now you write sad lyrics of songs as your status or tell the whole world how mad you are in cryptic messages so that you get 20 responses of “what’s going on?” It’s all so public.
Some say that the answer is that parents shouldn’t be on their kids’ Facebook pages. That too much knowledge isn’t always good. I don’t think that is the answer. There are times that Nico has posted things that he thinks are fine but I didn’t like the way it made him look. It was just him and his friends going back and forth teasing each other but they used phrases that are offensive (mostly to me…don’t call someone a woman because they didn’t accept a dare). Once, after he made a basketball team, he was so excited he started to post who made it. We stopped him and explained how much that would hurt a kid that didn’t make it that saw that. He got it and stopped but that didn’t stop another kid from doing it. Will I stop checking his Facebook? Not anytime soon.
I can’t help but think that as great as Facebook is for adults (and let’s face it, some adults have trouble with it), it is just something else that is making raising kids hard…as if it wasn’t hard enough. When are they going to come out with something that makes it easier? Wait…a shock collar that goes off when they are about to do something stupid isn’t humane, is it? Darn…that would be a good one.
What about you? What do you love about Facebook? What do you dislike? I’d love to know.
I am a stay at home mom, married to my college sweetheart, Leo. We have four kids, Nico, Tommy, Isabella and Gia. We have a son, Rocco that is an angel in Heaven.
I feel like Facebook for kids is just so hard. Everything you said here makes perfect sense, and I genuinely don’t know that they can handle the responsibility that goes along with having Facebook. And yet, it would be hard to stop them from having it. UGH. I definitely think parents should be on their children’s Facebook pages and should be monitoring the activity there.
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Meant to sign my comment, since I think Lisa will probably want to weigh in on this post, too!
-Ashley
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It’s completely hard not letting them have one because a lot of things are done there. For example, Nico’s group had a “homecoming page” where they all communicated the plans there. It really is a huge responsibility that they don’t understand no matter how many times we tell them so monitoring is the only answer at the moment (at least for me).
I could not agree more. I often think of withdrawing myself from it as well.
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I’ve also thought that before and before the blog, I did.
That’s it, my kids are never getting on Facebook. LIke ever.
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The twins and Gia are pretty much screwed because it’s going to be a long time before I let them.
Oh I dread the days ahead when my kids get old enough to go on facebook… I can see it coming- the evil parts anyway. Oh I dread it so…
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Keep it from them as long as possible.
I went to a parenting talk about just this topic. One of their major points was that Facebook brings the atmosphere of school and all the social pressure that encompasses to your doorstep 24 hours a day. It’s a lot for teens to handle.
When we were young we had all of the same issues but when we finally got home for the evening, we were free of it. Teens had a chance to decompress and not face those public pressures because we did not have constant connection to the world. Now with FB those pressures are right there…all of the time. There is no downtime from it, and it’s really stressful and potentially harmful to kids.
I don’t know the answer. At the talk I attended, they suggested that you have FB free times for an hour or two each evening for you kids so they can decompress like from 8-10p…and that you should obviously monitor what they are doing.
It’s just hard. Some of the statuses you mentioned make my heart hurt, too. Also, when you have 80 friends on FB how does it feel when “everyone” else seems to have 500? Is it just a constant reminder that you don’t fit in? The public nature of posts like you mentioned is troubling, too. It just seems there is so much potential for it to be a hurtful and destructive thing for teens.
I don’t think the answer is banning it. It’s here to stay and this is the world they live in now. I think I’m just going to have to monitor it very closely (as you have been doing) and teaching my kids what’s appropriate to post online as we go (as you have done). They will need to know that you shouldn’t post everything in your private life and they need to be very aware that the things they post have the potential to hurt people even if they don’t mean to.
Fantastic post and so thought provoking!!!! So glad you wrote about this!! –Lisa
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That’s a great point! They can’t really ever escape all of it. I do feel lucky that Nico rarely is on it longer than it takes to watch a football highlight video but I can see the twins, especially Belle, getting consumed by it. I know I need to step away from it at times so that is good advice to have it shut down at night. You are right, it is here to stay so hopefully parents are monitoring it so it doesn’t get too out of hand.
{Melinda} I think about this all the time, AnnMarie. Social media makes parenting SO much harder. Yes, you could restrict all access, but we’ve decided to take the approach of helping our kids use it wisely. It means lots of monitoring, my kids call me a “stalker”.
Plus, social media is so prevelant, I’m not sure that it would be possible to keep them away from it. It’s at friends’ houses, school, etc.
I agree with Dose of Reality … social media and texting means that kids bring all the stress of school and relationships with them. They don’t get a break from it, unless we impose it.
There’s no perfect answer, but we definitely monitor and limit their time. It’s more of a challenge with girls than boys, in my opinion.
Hey, AnnMarie — would love you to join a new Mom Mentoring group we’ve started through our blog. A place for moms to share ideas, prayer requests, etc. in a little smaller, more confidential setting than a blog. We posted about it on our blog today!
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I agree that we can’t stop it so we really have to dive in and guide and monitor.
I just sent you a request. Sounds like a great thing that I’d love to be a part of!
Sometimes I don’t know which is harder – being a teen, or being a teen’s mom. It sucks! Matthew doesn’t have Facebook yet and I’m kind of afraid to let him on there. There is just so much information going out to so many people on there. I just don’t think he’s ready for it.
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It is a toss up on which one is harder (I’m leaning toward mom, though). That’s exactly it. They just don’t get that there are more people than they think seeing their stuff.
I couldn’t agree more with what you are saying AND,especially,don’t stop checking Nico’s facebook. I sometimes think kids will post something they shouldn’t,in hopes that someone (a parent?) will see it. Let’s face it,teenagers are not adults!
No chance of me not checking it because you are right…they aren’t adults.
AnnMarie–I just saw this and it made me think of your post. I couldn’t wait to share it with you. It’s a story of how FB, in the end, was used to uplift a fellow student. I think it’s more often the other way around, but it’s nice to know that it doesn’t have to be!! –Lisa
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Oh, I’m sorry…I didn’t realize it would automatically embed here. I thought it would just be a link.
Definitely a heartwarming story! It definitely has its moments of good.
Facebook is full of drama. It’s so easy to hide behind a computer screen and it gives a false sense of security to so many. I only stay linked up because I have my SN support group and I can stay in contact with my family. My daughter used to be on it all the time. I always monitor her page but she has since become turned off with all the posts of her old friends being hateful toward one another and act like they have no self respect. I’m lucky she talks to me about all of this.
While it’s not the best exposure I prefer to allow it and know what they see and answer any questions or concerns than to leave it all up to society. If you think FB is bad you should hear about the stuff that happens in the schools. Stuff you would never imagine at such young ages. And the truth is the more you tell them no the more curious they become. As parents we are the only ones that can decide what is best for our child. Not all children are ready for it and do not all learn the same. Personally I would prefer no exposure but that’s not realistic so I opt for supervised exposure.
I feel the same way. Supervised exposure. It’s impossible to keep it totally away from them (though I am trying my hardest with the twins).