I used to be pretty outgoing. In school, I would always get the comment on my report card: She participates in class and is very social. I loved to talk and be surrounded by people, laughing and having a good time.
When Leo and I started dating, we were always in a group setting with a lot of people or couples and I remember it getting tiring once in a while but for the most part, we had a blast. Even after we got married, we still did a lot with other couples. I had Nico and it really didn’t change all that much. We either did things with friends of ours that had kids or the ones that didn’t were very accommodating. I had the twins and still I remember doing things with other people all the time.
When we moved to this neighborhood everyone had kids the same age so weekends were filled with hanging out and being social while the kids all played. I remember sitting back thinking, this is the good life. Then Nico started playing travel baseball and social took on a new meaning. When your kid plays a sport where there are 50 games, you become friends with the parents pretty fast. You have no choice because you are always together. I was extremely lucky for every team Nico was on, there were great people involved-both parents and kids. Games led to eating out. Eating out led to hanging out until late at night. Hanging out late at night led to planning vacations both with kids and without. Again, I thought, this is the good life.
Then came Gia and I’ve talked before about the challenges of having a toddler when everyone else only has older kids so while she contributes to this bug that has bitten me. I really don’t think she is the whole reason.
I don’t know what it is but lately, I just can’t do it. I can’t muster up the motivation to do much socializing. I know a part of it is that I’m tired. Tired of being pulled in four different directions and then hearing Leo say, “What’s going on tonight? Do we have plans? Are we going out with anyone?” It used to be so easy but now everyone has their own idea of how to spend our very rare free time.
You might laugh but I don’t think I’ve actually looked in a mirror to see what I look like since Leo’s work outing. I just go through the motions of fixing my hair in the way I’ve done for the past 8 years, throw on something (these days it is either a black v-neck with gray pants or a gray v-neck with black pants), put the little make-up I wear on (and yes, I have gone out forgetting to even do that) and go. And by go, I mean either to Target or carpooling (or if I’m lucky, Barnes and Noble). To be social, I would have to pay attention to how I look and what I’m wearing and I don’t have the energy to do that. I won’t even go into great detail about how many times I’ve had to scramble to get a sitter because leaving Nico isn’t always the best option. A lot of times, even for as much as I miss hanging out with friends, it is just easier to stay home.
We’ve already established that I suck at small talk. I like getting to know people. Really know. I don’t have the patience for all the masks that people wear. Tell me how you really are…don’t tell me how great your kid is or successful you are at your job. Chances are I already know that so tell me a funny story about your kid and tell me what you love about your job. Tell me a story of how hard it is being a mom and how you got through it. Tell me how there are parts of your job you don’t like but that the good outweigh the bad. Tell me that you are exhausted teaching your kids how to be good friends and that sometimes your kids get it and sometimes they don’t. Tell me that your kid makes mistakes and that you are working really hard at helping them learn from them. Tell me that your kid hurt another kid’s feelings and you were mortified but that a lesson was learned. At the very least, tell me that even though you love your kids (which goes without saying), they are driving you crazy. Be real. Don’t sit and act like everything is sunshine and rainbows because we all know it’s not. Let’s laugh about this life we are leading. I think that is why this bug has bitten me. There is not enough laughing and too much judging. A friend just said to me that this raising kids thing is “a sisterhood” and I LOVE that. I want that because if I’m the only one sharing, that’s not fun for anyone.
I don’t go out anymore because when you are incapable of small talk, someone asks how you’ve been and you blurt out that while you love social media for your blog, you despise it for your kids. Someone might ask how your son’s liking football and you could blurt out he loves it but…and then go into how he’s trying to gain weight which leads to a discussion about CF. Someone might generically ask if your daughter is going to do competitive cheerleading and before you know it, you are discussing how expensive both cheer and dance are which leads to a discussion of your family’s finances. See…it’s just better that to stay home (because, yes…all three of these actually happened).
So once upon a time, you could find me at a neighbor’s, at a restaurant with a lot of people or at my house with a house full of people. These days, now that I’ve been bitten by the anti-social bug, you’ll find me at home, in sweats, with a goomba in my hair and minimum make-up, playing with Gia while watching Nick Jr. (or Project Runway or The Voice).
When I was forced to be social at Leo’s work thing, I found myself in the middle of a conversation that could rival that of one on The Big Bang Theory. I’m sure Leo doesn’t see himself like that but when someone cracked an inside joke about work and everyone but me cracked up, that’s exactly what it felt like. I kept thinking, “Well, if you think that’s funny, I could tell you what happened on the last episode of Bubble Guppies.” Because these days, that and how to build a Lego tower are all I got.
Wait…I could always chime in on the latest reality show. I still have that. 
What about you? Am I alone or has anyone else been bitten by the anti-social bug? When did it happen for you?
Pouring it out with Shell:
I am a stay at home mom, married to my college sweetheart, Leo. We have four kids, Nico, Tommy, Isabella and Gia. We have a son, Rocco that is an angel in Heaven.
Want to be anti social together? I seem to have been bitten by the same bug.
Kimberly recently posted..You Are…
I definitely do!
I definitely think it comes and goes. Sometimes I don’t want to go to one more practice or game because I know I will actually have to talk to someone. Which on that day feels like the hardest thing in the world.
I was just thinking last night as I went to my youngest’s school open house that my husband and I are going to have to get to know a whole new group of parents now.
And I have to admit that it felt incredibly overwhelming. Sigh…
Yes! Yes! Four kids, four different sets of parents. All equally awesome. It’s overwhelmeing.
No idea how the extra “e” got there. It’s overwhelming.
Oh my yes. I am totally feeling you on this one my friend. Maybe it is because last night was my 2nd school open house in the last 3 weeks, and I am over it. I miss getting together with my good, REAL girlfriends because it seems like everyone is so busy there is hardly time. And honestly who has the time, money or energy for going out in the evenings?
I think having kids the ages of yours makes it especially hard to be social. Until Gia is in school full-time, you are pretty much stuck. Nothing wrong with it, but it is the truth.
Great post!
thedoseofreality recently posted..If The Shoe Fits…Don’t Bother Buying It
Thanks, my friend. I agree about wanting to be with Real friends and yes, yes, yes about energy, time and money! Thank you for recognizing that it is hard with my kids’ ages.
Over the years I can see the change in me. I used to be the life of the party!! I would now rather stay at home or hang with a few select people then spend my precious time with people I could care less about.. I am not looking for any new friends. Mine has nothing to do with my kids ages but rather me passing 40 and not needing to impress anyone.. Tired of hanging out with fake people!! That is my soap box..You bring it out in me AnnMarie:)
I love that you are reading and commenting, Angie! I love that I bring it out of you.
I am right there with you and agree with every single thing you just said. Yes, yes and more yes!
I am antisocial in phases, sometimes I just want to hibernate and be left alone and other times I crave the social scene.
That’s a good way to describe how I am too except lately, it’s been more of the hibernating.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
I’m impressed that you stayed social that long. As soon as I became a mom, the desire to be anywhere at night but at home pretty much left me.
Patricia recently posted..The Artful Daughter
I only stayed social that long because my kids were with me. It probably would have hit me sooner had they not been. Thanks for reading and commenting.
I feel exactly the same way. I am so grateful for your post about this. That feeling of not wanting to socialize and lonely at the same time. I feel tired and lazy. I am just not that interested anymore unless you are my close friend. Worrying about how you look adds to it. I look in the mirror and see old. Plus having my body destroyed by childbirth at my age doesn’t help. And I hate myself for feeling this way. I hate the self-pity but can’t help it.
Wouldn’t it be great if we could see ourselves the way others saw us and not how we do? Because then you would see how beautiful you are. I feel the same way you do so I know it is easier said than done. You are not lazy. This job is HARD! It takes a lot out of us. Maybe we’ll be social when we are in our 60′s.
Back when I was working in PR, marketing and events, I was constantly surrounded by people, constantly talking and ‘socializing’. Once I quit my job, I literally became a hermit. I still went out occasionally to see friends, but more on a one-on-one basis.
Still the same now 3+ years later, I just like my own company (and my children’s) better!
Alison recently posted..Of Lists and Not Making Them
Yes…I am pretty much a hermit, too.
I have always hated small talk- I’m not good at it at all.
Shell recently posted..Pour Your Heart Out: It’s Different
HATE IT! And I totally suck at it. If we ever get to meet, let’s just jump right in and talk “real” stuff.
I live in my pajamas, literally! Lately I just do not want to leave the house or hang out. I am enjoying my solitude. I guess it’s hard to have a conversation with someone that has no clue about how difficult life can be. I watch Yo Gabba Gabba and Baby Signing Time ALL DAY. I catch myself signing it in the shower, yes I’m that pathetic. So I really don’t want to have to explain my odd behaiour with someone. It’s so true small talk leads to the last five years of your life. And lets face it who has time or the mental stregth to go there.
Love this comment. SO TRUE!!!! That last line…YES!
AHHHH, yes! The energy it takes to actually look “done” and then start and end conversations both real and ridiculously exhaustingly fake…with people you care about or don’t care about…sitting for hours at a picnic, bar, eatery or whatever- not. worth. it. I get that! I am loving my small women’s group and close friendships that fill me up and keep me whole in ways no social scene can. I can be bra-less if I wanna be, wear my PJ bottoms and chill with coffee and some muffins at my house. Or power walk with a bestie sharing all of life’s details… that’s MY kind of social.
Chris Carter recently posted..Motherhood Mission…
I love your kind of social! I want some more of that!
It’s been too long! The design looks amazing!
I can relate to the anti-social bug. Sometimes I’m just too damn tired!
adrienne recently posted..September 19, 3:53AM, 6 lbs. 4 oz.
Thanks, Adrienne! Yes, I’m too damn tired myselt.
Building Lego towers takes a lot out of me.
Yup. I definitely have times where I’m more anti social than social. I’d much rather sit at home in comfy pj’s with a cup of tea and read or get a “make-over” from one of my girls!!! I know how you feel with having a little one and older siblings… their schedules sometimes just don’t mesh! Raising my cup of tea to being anti-social online!!!!
Susi recently posted..A farm in suburbia {Heritage Hen Farms}
I love that! Being anti-social online! I WILL raise my tea to that! Pajamas and tea sound pretty good to me.
I get this, girl!
(I so, so do!)
Take care of yourself, nurture your soul with what you actually WANT to do, what makes you HAPPY. And you’ll find your way back to social. It might not be exactly the same as it was. But it’ll be a new kind of good.
Galit Breen recently posted..Back to the Old, Front to the New
You are so right. I need to start doing what I want again and maybe wanting to be social again will be a part of it. Maybe it won’t but at least I’ll be doing things to make me happy.
Great advice.
I can be SO anti-social it’s not even funny. I really try and go out because I know I need that girl time–but sometimes I just want to stay at home watching bad TV.
Amber recently posted..In College? Check Out CampusBookRentals.Com!
I LOVE watching bad TV. It’s a push for me to go out, too because you are right. We need that time but bad TV is always calling my name.
Thanks for reading and commenting!