Infertility might be a thing of my past and I have four kids in spite of it but it still sucks. I don’t want another baby. My family is complete but it took 12 years for that to happen and the sting is still there. I don’t know if it is a sting so much as a far away ache. It’s one of those things that is always there in the background but on any given day, something will trigger it and it can be brought to the forefront and hurt like it is still happening.
To say it shaped who I am is an understatement. It’s the reason that I am ferociously overprotective (well, to be fair, not the only reason). When something isn’t given to you right away, it’s a little harder to let it go. It’s also the reason I feel so much guilt. I wanted these babies for so long…I founght for these babies and now they are making me crazy. Shouldn’t I be more grateful? Even when I desperately need or want a break, in the back of my head is, “This is what you wanted.” I have to remind myself that infertility took a lot away from me but the one thing it didn’t is that I am still human (even if I felt like a pin cushion and a number while I was going through it) and needing a break is a very human thing. It’s the reason I have the many issues I have with my body. It didn’t work the way it was supposed to so I resent it. What was so easy for some to do was so difficult for me so I was and am still mad at it. Infertility didn’t care about my dreams. It didn’t care that I was in a strong marriage. It didn’t care that we had the means to afford a baby. It didn’t care about any of that. It looked at me and laughed and said, “Ha! You want a baby so bad? Well, you can’t have one. You have to be different from everyone else. You don’t deserve to get one the way everyone else does and even after you move mountains to have one, you still might or might not get one.” It’s hard to love or even appreciate something that failed you so many times. I wish I could get to the point where I looked at my body and felt gratitude for it giving me 4 beautiful children but infertility (and CF) have colored the mirror in a way that I can’t.
So have the miscarriages. To go through what you have to go through in order to get pregnant only to have to endure the pain of a miscarriage is devastating. You not only grieve the loss of the baby and all the dreams you had for him/her but you wonder if you are undeserving of being happy. You feel stupid for thinking that this time it would work. That the pain of infertility was behind you and only good things were ahead. You paid the toll and now it was a relaxing ride ahead. Nope. Instead, you get to live with fear. Fear of why it happened. Fear of being stuck with a broken body that keeps hurting you. Keeps breaking your heart. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to escape myself to get away from the pain. Barnes and Noble, every girls’ weekend, every girls’ night out, anytime I was away from Leo or the kids I did have…no escape worked because wherever I was…I was still there.
I questioned the very faith that had sustained me my whole life. Where was God? Why wouldn’t He help me? Why couldn’t He be bigger than the infertility? It was hard to depend and lean on someone who I felt had forgotten me. But I did. I prayed for strength. I prayed for peace. I remember praying, “You put this dream in my heart. Either take it away or make it come true.”
I hear all the time that God’s timing is perfect and in some instances, I agree. On days when I am dealing with a teenager, two preteens and a toddler all at the same time or I’m scrambling to find a babysitter, I have to wonder, is it really? I think it was when I really admitted to myself that I was not in control, that I finally found peace. We all know it wasn’t the babies that brought me peace. They brought something…but it wasn’t peace in the sense of quiet or calmness. It was more of a peace that I could put all the pain behind me.
Or pushed down where I didn’t have to always think about it. But then I hear of someone trying to have a baby or a troubled pregnancy and it hits me again: Why? Why is it hard for some and easy for others? I see so many deserving people who are struggling to do the most basic thing and it brings it all back. The desire to experience the ease of getting pregnant and then the joy of telling everyone and then nine months later, bringing the baby home. Ignorance really is bliss when it comes to being pregnant and giving birth. When you don’t know all the things that can go wrong, you live with a lot less fear.
So, I have four kids and two angels in Heaven. Does that mean that I am no longer hurt by infertility? No. God’s timing might be perfect but infertility still sucks.
Pouring my heart out with Shell today:
I am a stay at home mom, married to my college sweetheart, Leo. We have four kids, Nico, Tommy, Isabella and Gia. We have a son, Rocco that is an angel in Heaven.
Oh I don’t even know what to say – except I’m so, so sorry. That this is still hurting you. {hugs}
Alison recently posted..One On One
Thanks, Alison. I’ll take that hug.
It’s one of those things that leaves wounds that still sometimes open up. Not often but sometimes.
I am so sorry that you have had to endure all of this pain, sadness and loss. It’s not fair.
Robbie recently posted..Lightning Strikes
No, it’s not fair but what’s worse is that there are still women that I was going through this with that are still going through it…whose prayers haven’t been answered yet. That’s a long time to wait.
I feel your pain. My pregnancies did not go as planned either. I count myself lucky now to have three beautiful children (and one angel in heaven) but I always wonder what it would have been like to have been able to have a larger family.
Patricia recently posted..I Love a Rainy Day
Sorry that you have suffered loss, too. The wondering gets me to…
Great read Annmarie Your blog just gave me a little more hope at a hard time. I sent u a message on fb as well. Get back to me when you have time.
I’m glad I shared this then. If it means it helped someone, then it is worth it. I’m sorry that you are going through a hard time and you know I am always here for you!
Been there,done that. Some infertility,some miscarriages. Our first son was born 22 1/2 weeks into my preg.,went into labor for no apparent reason,he was stillborn 2 days before Christmas in 1980. Ironically,I wasn’t trying to get pregnant just yet. We had been married a year and we decided to start trying,but (ha,ha),unbeknownst to us,I was already pregnant. I miscarried after that,early miscarriage,had a son born in 1983 after having my cervix stitched shut just to prevent him coming early in case that was what happened with our stillborn son. Ha,Ha, again,he was 2 1/2 weeks late. He didn’t come until at least 1 month after they removed the stitch. His birth was followed by another early miscarriage,then another early miscarriage in which an ultrasound had shown twins. Another son born in 1986 after being on Clomid. Another early miscarriage,then a daughter born in 1989. We decided we were done. I know the overprotective feeling well.
Also,struggled with oldest son with ADHD and anxiety with the 2nd son. Second son was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder at 18 even though it should have been diagnosed way earlier. Daugher was diagnosed with the same although at 14 1/2,about 3 1/2 years before he was. Have been through some tough times with all of them. All doing well now. We joke because my 26 yo son has no intention of moving out. The joke is I wanted them so badly and now I can’t get rid of them! Daughter is engaged to be married next May to a wonderful young man who accepts her just as she is. Needless to say,I UNDERSTAND!!!
Uggghh…you have been through A LOT! Yes, you do understand! I’m sorry we belong to this same club but am so happy that they are all doing well now. That is hilarious about your son not leaving! Happy to hear about your daughter.
I’m so sorry you had to struggle like that.
I have no idea why some have to fight to get pregnant while it’s easy for others. When I start questioning why somethings happen, it just makes my head spin.
Shell recently posted..Pour Your Heart Out: Not as Planned
It makes my head spin, too which is why I try not to think about it very often. It might not be the same thing but I know on some level, you get it: the unfairness of why some?
Baby making is the number ONE thing on my list of questions to God. Why oh why are some of the kindest most generous loving people unable to procreate easily, and there are people that are evil, lazy, uncaring, unkind, and apathetic and have no desire for the babies that they EASILY make!!
I can’t stand it. It truly is gut wrenching to think of all the abuse and neglect in our world and then see people that dream and desperately want to care for a child and they can’t have one, or they have to pay a FORTUNE to have one, with doctor bills and procedures etc. And those that go through HOOPS AND HOOPS to adopt one and pay a FORTUNE to adopt one….meanwhile, there’s an apartment full of thugs who don’t work and do drugs and make babies all day.
Lord help me understand!
Chris Carter recently posted..A Mother’s Dichotomy…
Yep…that’s pretty much my question, too. I don’t get it.
Sending you hugs and happy thoughts. It amazes me how much some woman have to go through to have the family they’ve always wanted. While I never had issues getting pregnant I did suffer a miscarriage. So I know some of the pain.
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I”ll take those hugs.
I’m sorry you know some of the pain.
Oh, wow. This is a powerful post! There was so much I wanted to refer back to in this comment…
“no escape worked because wherever I was…I was still there”
This is how I have been feeling! Now I know what the problem is. ME!
Learning that we cannot control everything is a tough lesson. I am in this class, but failing miserably!
My heart reading this for you. I’m so happy that you are blessed with four babies, but I totally agree, that the hurt can still be there! My best friend has three children here on this earth, and one angel waiting for her in heaven. She was devastated just a couple of days ago by the knowledge that someone she knows lost a baby at 34 weeks. Hearing that brought those memories and emotions that are so close to the surface to forefront of her mind. I felt her pain and I feel yours.
adrienne recently posted..The Five Year Panic
Thanks, my friend. Your words mean a lot to me. It’s true that you think you are fine and have a handle on it and then something like that brings it all back. Infertility aside, there have been other times that I have wanted to escape myself but darn it, I’m still always there.
I’m so sorry you are going through the motions again. I may not have gone through infertility but I can only imagine how difficult it has been for you. I knew from the age of five I wanted to be a mother so I understand how much you wanted it. I lost two angels of my own early in my pregnancies so I can understand your pain of loss. Life is not always fair and you are right we are not in control as much as we like to tell ourselves or even try to convince ourselfs that we are.
I hope you have a better day!
Thanks, Charity. I’m sorry to hear of your losses, too. So true that we only think we are in control but we are really not.
I’ve watched a dear friend struggle through infertility and it is just awful to see. I pray for them all the time that they’ll know the joy of having a baby. They deal with a deep hurt that’s been there for ten years. We can barely even talk about it. I’m so sorry that the hurt stays, but I can see why. Thank you for sharing your heart on something so difficult!
hilljean recently posted..The Most Important Thing I Ever Broke
Thanks hilljean! It’s so good to see you here and thanks for reading and taking the time to comment. I’m sorry that your friend is still dealing with it. It is so unfair. I hope your prayer for her is answered soon.
Only pain makes such a profound impact on us and joy does not. Why is that?
Because we take the joy for granted.