Let me start out by saying, I was a huge 80′s hair band fan. I loved Def Leppard, Poison, Winger, Skid Row, Warrant and even Bon Jovi could be considered a hair band back in the “She’s a Little Runaway” days. I even had the hair to go with it. If I had a scanner, I’d show you the picture to prove it. At my last concert (Tim McGraw and Faith Hill), I vowed I was done with concerts when the couple in front of us wouldn’t sit down but instead proceeded to have sex (or close to it) right in front of us. I said the only concert I’d go to was Def Leppard because I love them and had never seen them. If Nickelback was with them all the better. Heart was and that was a good enough. I was so excited.

My friends picked me up and one friend kept looking at me smiling. I asked her what she was looking at and she said, “Your big, beautiful hair in honor of Def Leppard.”The thing is…it was my normal hair. I straightened it because I think it looks better straight but with the heat, it was BIG. Tame but since it is really thick, it was big. We went to a great dinner and I wasn’t going to let the astronomical prices of what I was drinking or the wet grass deter me from having a good time. We picked a spot, rented chairs and I loaded up on bug spray. Then we sat, drank and waited for the show to start. Immediately, the sweating began. Humidity took over making it stifling and my already big hair was growing by the minute. By the time Def Leppard was coming on, I was going to have hair that rivaled the actual hair in the 80′s. I already said that it was like those Walmart emails supersized. I mean, the people watching was unbelievable. There were girls in fishnets, girls in half shirts, older ladies wearing things that older ladies should not be wearing, there were men with no shirts on that should always have shirts on, drunk people that were stumbling and falling down the slippery hills, young kids getting stoned, a group of young kids where it was very unclear which girls were with which guys and three guys with no shirts on that looked like they could be Nico and any two of his friends dancing as if they were putting their workouts to music. I kept thinking, “Do we fit in?” or “Do we stand out?” Apparently Def Leppard only has four friends that don’t smoke and unfortunately, it was my three friends and me.

Heart came out and immediately I was hit with the fact that since I loved these two groups in the 80′s that I was probably going to be brought back to a lot of events that I would really rather not remember. “These Dreams” and “What About Love” were during my whole falling in love for the first time era. Def Leppard came out and by then my hair looked like Snooki’s so up in a goomba it went. Some of Def Leppard was during the falling in love for the first time era like “Pour Some Sugar on Me” and “Photograph” but, “Bringin’ on the Heartbreak” and “Foolin’” reminded me of the Rebel. “Hysteria”, “Two Steps Behind”, and I already said “Love Bites” was playing with Leo and my first kiss, all reminded me of Leo. So while I enjoyed the concert, it was a little like my life or big moments in my life flashed before me all night long. Murphy’s Law struck and the sound went out in the middle of Def Leppard. I still enjoyed it but it did lessen the effect of being at the concert. Thank goodness for the big screens because the people in front of us wouldn’t sit down at all. One couple in particular was annoying. They were clawing at each other and what was especially disturbing, is that they looked 12.

All in all, I had fun listening to them and laughing with my friends but I really think it was my last concert. At least my last concert sitting on the lawn. Next time, if there is a next time, we are going big time!

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I am totally stealing this idea from a friend of mine’s blog. It’s a great blog about organizing (of which I need all the help I can get) and you should check it out: http://declareorder.blogspot.com (LG, I hope you don’t mind that I am sharing and I just realized you and Leo have the same initials.)

When I was teaching, I always felt so bad for the kids that had food allergies. It seemed difficult to manage and intrusive to their lives. The parents at the grade I taught (2nd) were still very nervous about the kids being in school all day and my heart went out to them for how much they worried. I remember when introducing Nico to solid foods, I would say a little prayer of thanks that he didn’t have a reaction. How stressful to have to worry about everything your child puts in their mouth. With the twins, there was no worry about food allergies because I was too busy worrying about CF.

My friend wrote a wonderful post sharing the gifts of food allergies that she got from a newsletter. I never thought of it that way and I am impressed with her ability to enlighten me and others. While reading it, I realized that a few of them hold true for CF and in that spirit, I am going to list the gifts of CF. This is a true challenge and I thank her for inspiring me.

•  You are active in your child’s academic life; the administration, nurse, and teachers all know you.
•  You’ve become more than you were (stronger, wiser, more assertive) to keep your child healthy and happy.
  
• Your child knows what it feels like to be different and has learned to be compassionate to others.
•  Your family has learned to “look out for each other,” allowing children to learn true caring.
•  Your child has learned that his or her actions can have extreme consequences and has learned to make responsible decisions (we are still working on this one).

• You don’t have to worry about junk food consumption.
• Your child learns how to take pills by the age of three so there is no messy, ill-tasting liquid to mess with.
• Your child learns early on how to sit still for long periods of time because they have to for treatments and while doing the vest.
• When your child goes to a sleep away camp with his baseball team and you are worried because it is his first time away from you for that long, your husband gets to stay in the dorm with the coaches.
• You know every breath and every cough and have the knowledge sometimes even before the doctors of what your child needs.
• You are forced to have hard discussions with your children which opens lines of communication for other issues that come up.
• There is an immense pride in seeing your child triumph over all he battles. (I know pride is one of the seven deadly sins but I’m pretty sure God didn’t have CF in mind when that was written.)
• One of the biggest gifts is that we can all get caught up in the small, petty B.S. but CF forces you to realize that in the grand scheme of things, the small, petty B.S. doesn’t matter. There are bigger issues than travel baseball tryouts or being weaned off the bottle or losing 10lbs.

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Just a quick post to say that we are waiting to find out if Tommy is going to play his games today. This means that I have all of my family home at the same time! This almost never happens until about 10:00 at night so I am going to get off the computer and enjoy this moment. I’d love for us all to go to church but that is an issue for another post. I have thoughts of rooms getting cleaned, mail corners being tackled, storage rooms sorted out and closets being organized and then wait…an actual meal together, at the table that doesn’t come from a fast food chain…do I dare dream?

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I don’t often watch the news. I used to. It made me feel intelligent to know what was going on in the world. I stopped watching it when Nico was little. I manage to find out through the internet and now through Facebook what is going on in the world but to sit and watch a whole newscast, sets my anxiety at an all time high. Sure, there were stories of heroes or good things that people were doing but there were too many stories that put fear in my heart of what kind of a world I was bringing children into. These are just a few examples. It would be too long of a post if I included all of the news that was upsetting.

It started in 1999 when the Columbine shooting happened. School was supposed to be safe and now I had to worry about someone opening fire there? Being a teacher and a mom, that one hit especially close to home and even now, I am a little obsessed with books written about school shootings. We have had several discussions trying to make sure that my kids don’t end up being the shooter or being the ones shot at. Endless discussions about bullying (posts on that to come later) and both sides of it.

Then in 2001, the September 11th attacks. I sat and watched the news in horror. All of those people that lost their lives or loved ones. The stories of people trapped in the buildings or on planes that were about to crash calling their loved ones just gutted me. What was the matter with people in this world that we lived in? I was nine months pregnant with the twins. How in the world was I going to protect my family? I was afraid to leave my house and I was afraid for Leo to leave the house. I hated even taking Nico to preschool.

All of the stories of the parents killing their own kids. The one where she drowned her kids one by one in the bathtub…making them wait until it was their turn…or the one that locked her boys in their car seats and then drove the car in the lake…and the more recent one of the mom that shot her two teenage kids for talking back. I won’t say their names because it’s about the victims not them. These are just the ones that the parents were found guilty. JonBenet Ramsey and Caylee Anthony still don’t have justice. I don’t understand why these parents thought killing their babies was the answer. Yes, parenting is hard but to look at your child and cause harm, cause them to leave this world, it just makes me sick to my stomach and makes me ask, “What is wrong with these people?”

As natural disasters unfold and I hear about them or watch them, it scares me because no one sees those coming and the devastation is huge. You can’t turn on the news without hearing about tornadoes, floods, tsunamis, earthquakes, hurricanes, and wildfires to name a few. People dying, people losing loved ones, losing their homes, their communities…it is all heartbreaking. These people woke up thinking it was going to be a normal day, maybe even a good day and then BAM! They are stripped away of everything. We wonder why people are on anti-anxiety or anti-depressants? It’s all too much to take in. Just watching the news on TV is scarier than any horror movie. At least with the movie, it is make believe. There is a want and a need to protect our loved ones and a knowledge that it’s too big of a job. That’s when anxiety kicks in.

My religious friends and even myself would say that is when we rely on our faith but that is a bitter pill to swallow today after hearing about the tragedy in Norway. My heart is heavy and my stomach is sick at the thought of what that man did. To disguise himself as a police officer, someone that we have taught our children is safe, and then open fire at that camp, killing 80 children. I just don’t understand what is wrong with people or what is wrong with our world? And why? Because they didn’t share his political beliefs? His religious beliefs? I am shaking my head in disbelief that people think the answer is killing other people, children…who haven’t even had a real start at life.

I wasn’t going to do a blog post at all today because my problems, though they are mine so they are pretty big to me, seem awfully small in the grand scheme of things. I couldn’t even write a funny story about the kids or a grateful post or an update post. It didn’t seem right and my heart is heavy so it wouldn’t have come off a light post anyway. Today, I will hug my kids tighter and pray for the parents who lost a child in Norway and for the children that saw the tragedy unfold. I just cannot even imagine.

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I have learned that I can’t write when I have this much stress going on. You’d think it would be the opposite but it is not. It is ironic because I could probably get 10 posts out of this week alone but when it is all happening, I can’t make sense of it to get it down on paper (so to speak). Some random thoughts on each:
Tommy had tryouts for a travel baseball team. I hate tryouts. I want everyone to make it (this is why I am not in charge of anything competitive). Tommy has made some great friends and I just want them all to stay friends no matter what the outcome. If he doesn’t make it, we have been down this road before. Nico didn’t make this team at this age or the year after. It wasn’t fair and it sucked but it was what it was and he moved on and became a better player for it. Tommy tried out for this team last year. He was too young and it was only to get the experience of a tryout but he wanted to make it more than anything so when he didn’t, he was crushed. Does anyone ever end up totally happy? If you don’t make it, you aren’t happy. If you do make it but your friend didn’t, you are happy that you did but unhappy because your friend didn’t. Even when Nico made it and his friends did too, he was still sad for the kids that didn’t make it because he knew how they felt. HATE TRYOUTS!!!

I have a doctor’s appointment that I have to go to today that I am going kicking and screaming. Since the whole CF thing, I hate going to the doctor. I hate check-ups, I hate when I have a problem and I know I need medical intervention because I am afraid of what the problem is or what the intervention is. I know it is nothing but I still don’t want to go to find out it is nothing. I will write about it tomorrow.

The summer is too long and I need the kids to go back to school. I’m just tired of the constant motion of the children. I’m tired of my door being a revolving door of who’s coming and who’s going. I am afraid to add up all the money I have shelled out. Nico has worked for all of it but still…I am going broke.

I have a wake to go to tonight. My aunt (well, not really but when you are Italian or at least in my family, everyone is an aunt or an uncle and this was one of my dad’s best friend’s wife) passed away suddenly. A funny story that I’ll always remember about her is that when Nico was about 5, she said, “See this hand? It tickles.” Nico responded by holding up his hand, “See this hand? It hits.” Proud mommy moment. I told my kids they didn’t have to go but that I have to take Gia because it is far. Tommy said in his sweet little boy way, “I’ll go with you, Mom. I know you don’t like this stuff so I’ll go for support.” I am sick about her passing away and feel for my uncle and her kids and grandkids. I’ll be hugging my mom a little tighter today.

I hate sleepovers. I can’t say it enough. Isabella is at my mother-in-law’s house because she is going to the ballet. She called last night wanting to come home. Her stomach hurt her. Leo told her to drink tea and call again if she needed him to go get her. She fell asleep so she stayed. This morning there was the storm and I HATE not having all of my kids at home. She is scared of storms and I hated that she was far and I couldn’t get to her. I hate them, I hate them, I hate them. And I don’t care if that makes me weird.

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It is just too darn hot to think straight. I am just going to do a quick post and head for a shower.

Some positives: I am grateful that my sister wasn’t doing anything last night or today and had the three older kids sleep over and then invited us to swim today. It was a great way to spend this scorcher of a day.

I am grateful that Gia goes with the flow most times.

I am grateful that we have power and that our air is working.

I am grateful that Gia is sleeping so I can grab a shower.

I am grateful that Leo coaches Tommy’s team so that if it is this hot tomorrow, I won’t feel guilty not going to his game because his dad will be there.

I am grateful that Leo knows I need a little break to get some writing done.

I am grateful that Nico is old enough to watch the kids so I got my blood work done yesterday and tonight I’ll get to go to Barnes and Noble to work on my book.

Speaking of writing, this is my only negative. They always say, do what you love and the money will follow but they don’t really clarify how long that takes. I have to start actively looking for writing jobs. I have worked since I was 15 years old and only stopped when I had Nico. Even then, I did a weekend tutoring class and tutored during the week so I was still bringing money in. I like being able to bring some money in. I don’t need to make millions but I would like to write and get paid to do it.

I did send one of my books to a publisher but Murphy’s Law struck and it was out of business. I have to get back on that band wagon. Maybe since it is supposed to be another hot one tomorrow and my mind is still cluttered with upcoming doctor’s appointments, I’ll write short blurbs about the books I am done with or working on. Or maybe magically, I will wake up with my mind clear.

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When Nico was two years old, we did a Kid Rock class. He loved the drums but really showed no interest. We did a Little Learners class and again, he played with other kids but he would gravitate toward the balls or anything round and throw them or get another kid to play catch with him. He was 2. I wanted him to love to draw and want to read or at least want me to read to him which at home he did but not in that class. When he was three, I signed him up for Little Sportsters. I already told the story of the hockey stick under the “Happy Birthday, Nico” post but what is interesting to me now is how at three, he already knew he wanted to play football, basketball and baseball. He kept picking up the ball and throwing it in soccer and lost interest very quickly. Soccer was the first thing we could sign him up for so at 5, Leo signed him up. He played one year in Bartlett and one year in Winfield and not playing again wasn’t a hard decision for him. Nico went to a birthday party that was a home run hitter party. We got a call from the dad of the kid whose birthday it was. He was one of the T-ball coaches and he wanted Nico on his team. That’s how Nico’s baseball experience started. He has since played in several All Star games, won a championship, had the heartache of not making a team (2 years in a row), winning a skills competition at a camp, and the joy of making 2 different travel teams. He asked me from the time he was four, if he could play basketball and could be found on our deck in front of his Little Tikes basketball hoop most hours of the day. He asked to play football from the time he first played in the Little Sportsters class. I have sat in the stands enduring people yelling, “He’s cheating! He’s out of the box! He’s cheating!” during basketball (He was six! He didn’t even know what the box was!) and kids pummeling him in flag football because the no tackle rule was not enforced and he was the quarterback. I’m sure it looked like we were pushing him into tackle football too soon but after getting slammed at a game, I walked over to him to see if he was okay and he said, “Now can I play tackle so I can have the pads on?” He was right and we said yes. My dad was an athlete and loved sports. Leo was an athlete and loved sports. I never assumed Nico would be and I wonder all the time: Is it in his genes? Did he see something or do something when he was little to make him love it? What is it that drives him to play the sports he does?

With Tommy, the mystery will always be, would he have loved baseball, basketball and football if Nico didn’t? He was pretty good at soccer but everytime he scored a goal, he’d run over to me and say, “Now can I play football?” I had to explain to him several times that he wasn’t old enough yet. He’s nine and has so much drive that I hope he attacks everything in life the way he does sports. When he has a game, he asks me from the time he wakes up until an hour before he is leaving, “Is it time for me to get dressed yet?” During football season, he regularly walks around with his helmet on and he can be seen begging Nico to take him outside to practice. With raising twins, I know I didn’t have time to foster his love of sports so I wonder, like Nico, where did it come from?

When I had Isabella, it was different. I had dreams of recitals and tutus. I couldn’t wait until she was 3 and I could sign her up for her first class. She looked so freaking adorable in her leotard. I watched from the two way mirror and the little girls were so cute. She did ballet for three years and then came to me and said she wanted to do gymnastics instead. I admit I was a little sad. She took a session off, she did gymnastics and cried every single day. She hated the instructor who when she was afraid to go on the big balance beam would tell Belle to go to the “baby beam”. Belle innocently said to me, “I want to do gymnastics but I hate the balance beam, the bars and the vault.” Hmmmm… That session ended and she said she wanted to do dance again. I signed her up for ballet and after she said she really wanted to do hip hop dancing. Her friends were doing it so she was signed up for both. Those were her last dance classes because we went to a high school basketball game that my dad was coaching. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from the cheerleaders and at halftime when they did their flips and back handsprings, she lit up and said, “That’s the gymnastics I want to do!” And so a cheerleader was born. Now, if I had my say, I would steer her anywhere else but there. I was a cheerleader and though I loved cheering, cheerleading, like other competitive sports can be ugly with unfairness.

My point is that I never forced the kids to do the activities they do. I don’t live vicariously through them because I never aspired to be a baseball, football or basketball player and if I had it to do over again, I would have tried out for poms. If there comes a time when they don’t want to do them, I will miss watching them but it is their life and their choice. I say this knowing full well that with Gia, I will sign her up as soon as I can for ballet and from there, I’ll watch her shake her tush and encourage her because this time around…I want a ballerina.

Disclaimer: This post is just in fun. I will encourage Gia in whatever she wants to do whether it is writing, reading, drawing, soccer, softball, volleyball, tennis, gymnastics, dance or cheerleading or just being the happiest Gia she can be.

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Everyone in my house has the expectation that the weekend is about them. Leo wants to meet friends for dinner or a beer, Nico wants to hang out with friends, Isabella wants to sleep at my sister’s (could be any of them) and Tommy wants to sleep at his friend’s. I think Gia’s expectation is to be attached to me every second of the day. Every weekend I have the expectation that I will get a little break and get some help around the house. Why is my expectation the only one not met? Well, in all fairness, this weekend, Nico’s and Tommy’s were not met either. However, they had backup plans so they still had a good weekend. Leo didn’t check with me to see if we had plans (we actually did) that didn’t involve Tommy going to a friend’s. Not wanting to let him down, Leo let him go. That meant that Nico’s plans fell through and was going to end up sitting home alone (not the end of the world) while his friends hung out. I felt bad for him but Leo still wanted to go out. Here’s the thing about Leo and the thing about me. He has a million gift cards from coaching to various restaurants so he only wants to go there. I just wanted to grab a quick bite and wanted to go to a restaurant where we didn’t have a gift card. I had sushi last Monday night and now the craving for it is bad. If you like sushi and live near Wheaton (I know it is a chain so that isn’t the only place), Wok and Fire is sooo good. Anyway, we argued for an hour. He didn’t want to let one kid down and I didn’t want to let the other down. Do not mistake us as parents who are afraid of telling their kids no or that we are teaching them that the world revolves around them. This was more of a stand still with Leo and me. It was a miscommunication between Leo and me which Nico was going to take the hit for. I wouldn’t have enjoyed myself at dinner anyway knowing that happened.

I think everyone here forgets that we have Gia sometimes. I know Leo does. He’ll come home and have this big plan of what he wants to do and I just look at him and say, “Did you forget we have a 17 month old and someone has to be home with her?” Most times he’ll say, “Well, let’s just bring her.” It is not fair to her or for anyone in contact with her to have her still awake at 9 or 10:00. Once in awhile is fine but it screws up my whole week when she is off schedule like that. Plus, how much fun am I going to have chasing her around or trying to get her to sit at a restaurant (again, why am I not 90lbs?)? More times than not, I just tell Leo to go without me or take the other kids. Lately, though, I have noticed my social life is in the toilet and his hasn’t missed a beat. It would be nice once in awhile for both of us to stay home since we BOTH have a 17 month old. Then again, that might lead to him wanting to play Scrabble so maybe I am better off…

In the end, I told Leo and Nico to go see a movie. They could spend some time together that wasn’t in a car on the way to a baseball game, basketball game or football game. I wouldn’t have to hear how I never want to do anything Leo wants to do and I wouldn’t have to hear Nico complain that his friends were hanging out without him. Gia was happily asleep after being attached all day, Isabella was sleeping at my sister’s and then…what do you know? Tommy got dropped off from a friend’s at 10:30 with the dad, the son and Tommy at the front door with Tommy and the friend asking, “Can we have a sleepover?” Well…three out of four kids happy is better than nothing, right?

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