We started the process and right away, the memories of how much IVF sucked came back to me. The hormones, all of the appointments, being poked and prodded, sticking my stomach every day (the silver lining was that there was more of my stomach to stick) and the feeling of failure when my body wouldn’t respond. I was 37 when we started and was reminded constantly that I was of “advanced maternal age.” Only in fertility and modeling is 37 old. The thing is, it doesn’t help the ego at all when they keeping talking about your “old eggs.” The worst part of the whole thing was when they did retrieve 4 eggs and all 4 fertilized, we waited on pins and needles to find out whether we’d have any to implant. They don’t tell you over the phone. They either call and say, “I’m sorry. We don’t need you to come in for a transfer” or “Come in now for a transfer.” With PGD, they have to send the embryo’s out so we had no choice but to transfer the embryos that survived the process and didn’t have CF five days after they retrieved them. I was very uncomfortable with that because when I had gotten pregnant with the twins, it was a three day transfer.
We got the call to come in for the transfer and I was so excited, I could barely get it together for us to get there. When we were in the middle of the cycle, I would look at a picture I had of Nico and the twins as encouragement. The minute they called and said come in, images of what this baby would look like filled my head. Would it be a boy and look like Tommy or would it look like Nico? Would Isabella get the sister she dreamed of and would she have her same curly hair? Would I finally get one that looked like me? I couldn’t wait to be pregnant again! I couldn’t wait to feel a baby kick again and I couldn’t wait for that dreamy state of knowing there was a little person growing inside of me. When we arrived, reality came down on me like a brick house. All but one embryo had CF. I tried to be optimistic but I was really hoping to put back at least two. I was so sure it was going to work if we put back two. With one, it felt like all my old eggs were in one faulty basket. I hated CF. I always hated it but especially right then. Why couldn’t it just go away? Why did it have to glob onto everything I loved? I saw it as my own personal killer of dreams. We transferred the embryo and the wait began to see if it worked. It did not.